LiFe is Too ShorT

- Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

(will you count me in)

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
Cause everytime I see you're bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

(chorus)
It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time, wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pain
But we are hiding in a safer place
Undercover staying safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

Its starts in my toes, make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time, wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just...hmmmm......

And it starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes, I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
Just take your time, wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
Cause everytime you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul and I lose all control
When you kiss my nose, the feeling shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holding my tight....

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go
Oh wherever you go, I always know
Cause you make me smile even just for a while

This song have been tempting my heart latterly. It makes everything seem so sweet n brings some calmness into my new semester.

Finally i register for graphic paper this final semester. Wish i'll be more familiar bout Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator and Indesign..then i can share some ideas or thoughts to my bro Boy. Wish he'll be here for me sometime..then he may teach me n giving me suggestion n opinion..sigh..

Still got 6 issues of Berita Kampus to work out this sem, then a magazine to be published for final year project. I wonder how am i suppose to get everything done in the next 3 months. It's too short for me and i dunno how to deal wit the days after i graduate..

Mum suggested me to work at Spore.. and i thought wanna stay KL and gain some experience 1st. Wanyin said both are not suit me..Lala said i shudn't stay Pg.. I hate to make this kinda decision cos it might change everything in life. I think i'm not brave enuff to cope wit my own fear..I always think dat i'm not capable to be somewhere dat i wish to. Though i've put my hard work on it..Still, i am doubtful bout myself. I wish i have some shiny intellectual reasons for the choice dat i'm goin to choose..

Planning to camping wit chimui-s and old buddies in mid of Jan. It gonna recall those days of yore and the frenship dat we've treasuring til now.. Hope we gonna make it real. True frens gonna stay by side no matter wat n no matter how hard it gonna be. It might be wrecked sometimes cos of misunderstanding and differ between..yet true fren wont abandoned one another. We have to accept the imperfectness in human being and willing to love them in every way. The complete sincere expression will get the same return in the coming days..

I wont have much time surfing youtube for taiwanese tv show anymore.. Just wish dat i'll be able to spend more time for my uni buddies n putting more efforts in every assignments for this final semester.

Lately, there were few of times i got misty-eyed when i read articles or emails bout the affections bout mum n dad. Loony said dat he love his mum so much although he seldom bek home. Then i mentioned dat though i din talk to my dad, it doesn't mean dat i din love him. I feel like mum n dad are getting older n i did nth to assure their future life. I feel like i might be losing them in a blink of eyes..and yet i dunno what else i can do in present. Lotsa ppl live in present with no thought of tmr. At a certain point, after many years, i wish i left no regrets for what i've done.. Life is too short..

SiMplY UnTiTled@Pessimist

I've been complaining by my housemate which i din upload any new post since the last final exam..well, except the fantasy castle that i've posted. Seem like everybody around me is busying their own businesses or enjoying holiday in this very period. Yet i feel like drowning here..awaiting for the final semester comes forward. Still can't believe that i'll be graduate soon.

I still anxiety bout my future career at the moment even i had some plan for myself deep inside my heart. I knew mum always worry bout me..although she's trying to pretend nth when i told her my worries and future plans. Sometimes i felt gloomy for unable to be there for her when she need a companion. Sigh..I started to miss my home sweet home and those vivid memories that i've been went through. I wont be havin much time at home anymore i know..and i cant turn back time and live all over again. There's no more long vacation for me once i step into my career..sob sob..

Mum called me the day before i sit for my Japanese Proficiency Test. It'd been so long she never simply giv me a call and talk nonsense since the day we havin big fight in last year. I felt like we're getting bek the days when i was 1st year in uni. Mum will call me whenever she need someone to talk to or she felt stress..why everything seemed so far away from me right now..She never left me behind watever decisions dat i've made. I knw she believe in me so much. That's why i afraid to break her heart though i have some rebellious behaviour most of the time.

I've been slacking around recently..keep browsing youtube for taiwanese drama and TV programmes. At least i can make myself laugh..dat's what i was trying to do since the past few weeks. Just to be relax and make sure dat i wont be havin adrenal burnout. Perhaps i am degenerating myself here.

I feel like losing contact with the Purple Witch for so long. Seems like someone forgot her promise to update her blog frequently.. I wonder is there any cute guy appearing in her life recently or she might be encountered some interesting ppl or cool stuff over there? Did she lose her weight or gain any extra pounds since she went to gyms everyday? How was Japan and the Purple Witch in the past few weeks..

The dawn finally break out..it's time for me to pamper myself in slumberland..

The Castle of the WoRld

The castle of the world, Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany. This fantasy castle built by the King Ludwig II, better known as “Mad King Ludwig”. In 1886, King Ludwig died in mysterious circumstances in Lake Starnberg.

My German language teacher told us bout the story once. Thus I started browsing bout this mysterious castle and king of Bavaria. I started to love Germany because of The Prince and Me movie. Well, the Danish prince is so charming and Europe looks great..lol. That’s why I made my decision to learn German language in uni. I kept searching the history and some cultural festivals in Germany. Started to watch German movies, listening to German songs…getting insane i know.

Just wish I could bring myself there one day before my life getting fade away.

Holiday~

Finally my final exam came to an end. Now i started my one month holiday and eagerly to bek home soon. Then gonna indulging myself in drama series and German films whilst preparing for Japanese proficiency test on 2nd Dec.

Havin headache and fever in my last day exam. Gosh..i'm kinda fond of get sick but not headache! It seemed useless even i took 2 capsules panadol actifast..i shud make it ten..then i'll die fast..feel like dying d.. Mom asked me get some rest and bek tmr morning after i whining to her. Yet i dun think i can wait until tmr..i keen to bek home after i packed..

I wanna finish my books+movies during my holiday. I wanna loss 5kg as i promised Joan n Pangwu. I wanna jog at Tmn Golf without accompanied by Tora. I wanna swim at ASRC wit Saw Ling. I wanna meet Wei Chong, Chai Lian, Ah Pin, Chua Tee and bla bla bla. I wanna gossiping wit my buddies. I wanna spend my days wit my niece. I wanna cook for my mum. i wanna clean up my room. I wanna sleep. I wanna eat. I wanna watch TV..wahaha..i wanna be a slacker..:p

Just browsing the green witch's blog n found dat i've been cursed in her heart as i commented her photo which she looks fat surrounded by 3 normal dudes. Well, thanks for writing an essay for me far away here in Japan. Hoping dat might reduce me into tears after u post it. I'm good in pretending sumtimes. But i ain't gonna pleased u as u know. Btw, 'Bidor+ Cameron
Highland+Fresh air+affordable+Steamboat+beer+Tea farm+Strawberry+nice weather+poker+me+you=nearly perfect' sounds perfect for me too. Yet, kinda depress cos u wont be here celebrating my bday together. I keen to hav a beach party+BBQ+Whisky+Secret Recipe Black Forest+non-stop photo shooting=nearly complete. Can't smile without u my green witch..

At last i can fit in my Levi's collections again..promise myself to cut down instant noodles+fast food+junk food dat i fond of in this semester. But then can't resist the temptation of M&M..sigh*
I am still wondering to continue my German Language next semester. Still doubtful bout myself to sit for the German proficiency test..

FoRGIVe@FoRGeT

I thought I won’t be posting here till the day I finished my exam or after I back from my hometown. And sometimes I found myself paused when I tend to write down some thoughts here. I was puzzled most of the time when I preparing for my final exam here. I didn’t really put efforts in this exam and yet slacking around still. Deep inside my heart is so terrified bout my result when I’m going to graduate after next semester.

The distance that I keep is because I don’t want to care anymore. It turned to be hurt the most when we care so much.. Although seemed nth but obviously it already wrecked. Being too close might discovered some unexpected behavior that we never realize. Disappointment comes forward and leads myself in sadness. I wonder what true friend all about sometimes. Should I giving advises or just accepting it wit all my heart.. I dun have the right to ask for that. I’m not perfect and I might seem naïve for others. But I wish my true friends leading a better life. I dun curse cause I know how it feel in return. I couldn’t yell at somebody I care for cause I’d been through it wit my family when I was teen. And when my tears burst out, I know I shouldn’t repeat the same mistake all over again..Life is about learning. Living in learning make us become better if we make the right choice. I’m easily to forgive but hard to forget. Especially those mistakes that I’ve done..and those person that hurt me and never feel sorry about it.

Seemed like I never be a better person.. and I realised I can’t let it go bcos I care for it.. care for everything between us and our frenship.

2nd PapeR=Tourism, Environment & Community Development

I shudn't blogging here..since i got an exam at 9 morning and it's 4 am right now. My mind became blank n can't focus at all..slacking around n listening to musics. Did nth n didn't feel any sorry to myself..damn..

Perhaps too enjoying during my exam weeks then my laziness caused me not to work hard to score for great results. I'm just damn lazy in the moment..been very bz since the beginning of this semester til study week. Now i'm indulging myself in those HK drama series, HK+Taiwan+German+French movies, Heroes and i'm downloading my favourite Beverly Hills series..:)

Quite afraid of the coming of next semester..cos we gonna continue our 6 issues of campus press and final year project magazine publishing. Started to get nervous for begin the abnormal life again..sigh..Hoping the graphic paper dat me n my classmate gonna take wont occupy our time dat much as this semester..

Though only got few chapters to study for the exam tmr, i'm kinda confused wit those commodification, tourism carrying capacity n bla bla bla..sigh..dunno whether i'll be able to answer the essay questions later..God Bless Me..

Finally i no longer keep gaining weight over here as no more stress during this exam period. I daren't to hav any instant noodles as i promised my mum..gonna switch bek my normal life. Missing those days hanging wit Loony and hav our Brunch+supper in 2nd year.. then thinking bout Denise the blissful gurl enjoying her days in Japan..gosh..makes me envy~Arrgh...

Finished my craps here..continue my study n awaiting to get hang over after exam..

Mid9 InSoMNia

I shud be sleeping right now as i promised Jack just now. I went to bed bout 11 sumthing and suffered for insomnia til now at 2.26 am. Can't sleep at all..dunno wat to do. Lazy to start my Japanese language revision, lazy to watch drama series, lazy to walk out the room n go to toilet..just damn lazy at the moment.

Jack said dat diet ain't gonna help me unless i change my life-style. Though i don't reali think dat it affecting me became fatter. I do agree dat my daily life need to hav a small changes. Yet seems like it gonna be a hard time for me to get it started n maintaining it. It kenot be denied dat i used to stay awake til the dawn break out n indulging myself in slumberland in the morning til afternoon throughout this semester. That's why it considered as a mission impossible to get my normal life bek. Sigh*

Watched Raising Helen just now n reduced me into tears..i think bout sis when i was watching it. Recall the sudden flow of my tears when she scolded me through the oversea phone call. Are we gonna keep on this kinda endless quarreling til we getting old? Although i knew she real angry bout me but it reali hurt when she was yelling at me.. I dunno whether she wil browsing here anot..But indeed sorry sis..i owed u this apologise dat night..

Shin mentioned dat i'm special fren for her. Just bcos i never bother bout money spending n don't craving for saving n future plan after graduate. She said dat i seemed enjoying my life so much and if everybody has the thinking as me then shud be no more sadness n wonders. I was doubtful dat i avoided to think bout my wonders unless it's time to make the choices. Perhaps i'm the youngest at home..being spoiled by my family members. They all became my back up when i was in need or troubles. There was a time when i needed to work part time in form six, for not being burden to my parents while my brother pursuing his talent in graphic design.

And now i'm the only one dat stil undergraduate..mum n dad never give me any pressure in study since i was in secondary sch. I do knowing that they put their hope towards me deep inside their heart. Appreciating their loves, i reminding myself never let them down n i'll grab every opportunity even the slightest chance being offered. Sumtimes tired of keep on searching n trying to get the right path..the fear of failed and losing the opportunity or direction. I have to cope wit it all alone cos nobody would make the decision for me. Not even my parents. I owned my own path.. blame no other when i'd make the stupid mistakes. I'm enjoying it cos it's my choice to be where i am right now. No regret..just like wat i used to say.. No turning bek.

Now i wondered wat i'm goin to be after graduated. Shin asked me then i said i'll try to get scolarship to study oversea. I'm not only told her but all those who close to me..dat's my only wish. I dunno wat i'm goin to do if i failed. Am i goin to be a journalist? Where am i suppose to get my 1st job..Pg? KL? Spore? or any place dat i might be contented in? ...dats why i hate to think bout it..cos i cant forsee any of it..

Talk to Yee Guan this morning while we're on our way for photo shooting in GeorgeTown..recall lotsa bout internship. She was in Nanyang Siang Pao n get so many opportunities to cover story oneself. Then i told her those ppl i met during my internship in NST and those unforgottable memories. I miss NST sumhow..i read the column of my editor this morning and felt weird. I'm reading the column of the person i spent 2 months wit and quite closer compared to other editors in NST. And she's damn cool indeed..:) I knew i'm blissful cos got the opportunity for havin intern in NST. It's a place for improving myself n i really learnt so much there..It's a great journey for me to grow up. Yee Guan asked would i be bek NST after graduate..i told her i will if i reali capable to be there. I know i'm not for the moment..

I chat wit Huang dat took his trip on official business in Netherlands for a while n Cammie til now at 5.52am while i'm writing this post..finished my instant noodles as i broke the promise to my mum dat i wont hav any instant noodles here after i bek pg. Feel like sleeping d...^^ Jack, thanks for ur concern, but i cant switch it bek yet..Thanks Cammie for the long chat.. we're non-stop gossiping..;p

我怀念的

有点像抄袭孙燕姿的歌曲。我不懂，为什么我总是很轻易的记得他对我说过的每一句话。至今，还是会毫无预料，突然的涌现在我脑海里…没办法忘记那些日子，没办法忘掉他的字字句句，没办法忘掉他的细心与温柔，没办法忘掉他醉酒后告诉我的那些话。我们的距离忽远忽近，我以为我早已放下那些日子的迷惘，才发现原来它一直都在，我不去想，不代表我忘了，我不再去记，是担心自己陷入太深。那夜的谈话，才发现他还是有浏览我的部落格的习惯，还是有留意我的心情故事……为什么我总是会在不对的时间遇到那些我想珍惜的人呢……为什么我总是会就这样的错过这样奇妙的际遇……他曾经说过每天早上打电话给我已形成了一种习惯，我也开玩笑的回他说每天早上接他的电话也变成了我的习惯，可惜的是，这习惯已不复在……他问我何时能再相见，告诉他我也不懂。我怀念的，是他的坦诚，真心相待。想告诉他说，上一篇确实不是写给他的，但这一篇肯定是给他的，但不译中文的他将永远不懂，永远不明了。

I DuN LiKe

I dun like the way u talk to me. I dun like the way u make me miss u like hell. I dun like our relationship right now. I dun like we're wasting time right here. I dun like u. I dun like myself. I dun like our past, our memories. I dun like everything between us. It keeps holding me back and can't find to move forward. I dun like..perhaps i've fallen too deep. Perhaps i care. Perhaps it's all about love..

Dear Purple Witch Denise

Dear Denise,

Here is a dedication for ya dear..since i din leave u any answer in ur last comment and i'm quite lazy to air-mailed u..:p

Well, i jz bek from hometown n watched Resident Evil at GSC, Queensbay this evening. Finally my mum mentioned dat i'm getting chubby and asked me dun eat too much. And now i hav a good reason persuading me to start my diet..(It remind me dat i jz had my McNuggets n french fries 4 hours ago) I promised Pang Wu i will loss my weight bek to my previous one. It means i need to hav weight-loss around 8kg within 2 months....speechless right?

Apart from it, I planned not to work during this holiday cos i indeed need a goos rest and a long vocation to unwind myself. But then my fren asked me to work for her this thursday til 21st Oct during my study weeks. I promised her d cos i think that i stil got time to do my revision n my final exam is less heavy as previous semester. And for sure i wont be work after my last paper on 13th Nov cos i am lazy n i wanna get home n wishing my mum would feed me well during that period. Summore i'm goin to sit for my Japanese proficiency test on 2nd Dec. Forgot to tell u dat i register for level 300 n 400. I'm quite afraid dat i might be failed cos i din do any revision in this sem seriously.

No more Phuket in this vacation. Perhaps i will go to Langkawi wit Loony them but haven reali decide it. Kinda weird if i drink a lot and nobody und my feeling or willing to drink wit me. I need a companion when i drink..lol. By the way, will go to Hatyai wit Mei Lin n Jenny in Dec be4 we started our new sem cos promised them since a very long time d. Hope i can save my money n spent it wisely..those the words my sis use to remind me again n again.

U left so much here but reali wish u could catch up when u bek. Not that we dun wanna share when u ask. Just not a right place, right timing, right person. Face to face is more easier for me to tell cos u do know that ur facial expression n the way u asking make me wanna tell most of the time. Maybe it's ur instinct personality to be kepoh..;p kidding dear..suddenly find no words to say then talk nonsense here in my blog.

Just now browsed my fren's photo album in Finland..so envy. Sobbing.. i wish i'm just a foreigner in this country.. then perhaps i wont eagerly for leaving here. I stil wondering whether my result good enuff to get any scholarship for me to run away..i just wish to fly away at the moment..
Beside dat, i had my hair curly recently. It's kinda scary but i'm quite enjoying it cos i was getting bored wit my straight hair. Well, am i satisfied ur curiosity bout my present occurrence? You may ask more about it but i hav the right not to answer u..:p

Love ya dear..do take care urself n buy me souvenirs..lol

无聊

最近都失眠
觉得很空虚
整个人慵懒的
不想动
不想走
不想思考

向往着悠长假期
向往着沙滩
向往着追看日剧与韩剧

想要跑步打球挥洒汗水
想要纵容泪水的滑落
但我 就只是在想
没有行动
没有进展
没有头绪

想要写封信
告诉远方的她我的近况
但突然想到每天上网都在见面
耻笑自己的愚蠢

我不是天真
只是想要保留日常中的简单美
我不是难妥协
只是不想让自己变得那么复杂

我不想回头
却又望不到前方
我不想犯错
却还是一错再错

压力让人迷失方向
诱惑让人迷失自己

我很无聊 我知道

ReleaSeD

Finally i'm bek!!!!! Wakakaka...thank God that i finished my BK5 and no longer needed to burn mid9 oil at BK lab til the next morning and go to class without bathing..yak! I'd been spent 3 days there in BK lab to get everything done yesterday. Thanks Yee Guan, Pooi Kwan dat willing to help me n they really did a lot in this BK for me..and thanks Ejane dat almost panic all the time n started to mumbling when i was beside her..lol. Thanks those who cooked for me and feed me well..thanks Omel, Akma, Risal, Baiyah, Pei Wen, Jessie, Cosin, Lai Fen, abang Azmi and bla bla bla..Thanks Miza for the Nescafe, Nisah for wrote me an article when we were out of source..everything in a rush and pushing me to get heart attack all the time. But really thanks for those who willing to contribute their efforts and helping us to finished BK5.. And Sorry for those who'd been scolded by me..lol..i really get mad when those problems happened in last minute instead of the time earlier which i tot it shud be occured. Anyway..thanks Pooi Kwan, Yee Guan and those dat willing to help me to edit it again..i think i'll giv up to edit it if u're not there for me dat time. As u know..i'm quite lazy n i hate troubles..:p Hundred thanks..for those who always being there for BK..

I didn't meet my housemate a couple days til the day i went bek yesterday..But then i pampered myself to bed at 8 sumthing at night til 2am and continue to sleep til next day afternoon after i took my shower. Hence i skipped my Japanese class once again and din attend pre-recording in studio as i promised Itee. Lotsa assignments await me..sigh..1 more potraits assignment and photo essay for Dr Adnan, then 2 more articles for BK6, 1 more survey for Tuan Haji, 2 group assignments and 1 individual essay for Dr Hafizah, 1 essay and a presentation for Yeoh Sensei..two more weeks then we'll be free and start our study weeks. This semester is killing me..everything is fussing me and lead me more tension n almost burn-out. Hoping that next semester wont repeat the same old life-style as this sem.

I haven watch Perfect Stranger!!!!! Hate to tell others that i never step in cinema this sem and my tickets collection never get added since the beginning of this sem.. Kinda mess up my life in final year. Cant get time to join Yee Guan them to Redbox and movie..i dunno why i seemed so bz..i dunno how to answer when others asked me..i indeed no idea about it. Even jz now when Mei Lin asked me.. i was doubtful bout my present life.. Is dat all i want in life? Is dat wat i need to sacrifice to attain my goals? Not everyone understand why we wanna live a life like this and put ourselves in hell bz for BK..but i think i'll be grateful and thankful when i looked bek in the forward days..or when i recall it after i graduated. Thats all what i keep for it in my uni life..dats all wat i'm doin it wit all my heart n hav no regret for spending n sacrificing my time n days for it. Dats how i get to und my frens and know the demanding for each other.. I easily get touched when i feel the wholeheartedness from one person..yet i'll feel nth but hold in contempt for those half-hearted person n fake frens. But sumtimes i dunno wat can i do if i never try to make believe..i need to believe i know. If not i wont get to move on..

My bro Boy bek home but never informed me. Anyway i forgot his bday n missed the bday wishes for him dat day.. Though he ignored my sms after dat..i stil wanna wish him here..HappY 24th Bday my dearest Brother. All da best in life n dun ever giv up ur talents.. We never meet each other since CNY!!!!! Gosh..when ya ready to meet me in real life instead of keep in touch via sms?

Lotsa dat happened in this month but i dunno how to tell when it all became past. I feel envy when i saw the photos dat my classmate took when they went to the 2 days 1 night trip at Muka Head. The sky was pretty and the dawn was amazing and the beach was calming...and eveyone seemed enjoying it so much..sigh..i wish i'll be there dat time.. Though i did went to Muka head wit my Tourism classmates but it's a dif kinda feeling dat shared together. I cant get to share the photo taking techniques wit my classmate. I cant get to use the wide and Tele Lens..sob sob..i wish there is another trip for us.. it's just a wish..

My Chimui-s will be here at Pg on 29th Saturday..^^We never get to be gather since the day i left KL. Unfortunately Yong Pin cant get to join us. Perhaps there might be some dif when we meet..but one thing for sure there's nth can tear us apart.. We'd been get through so much together.. We get hurt bcos of love, get upset bcos of caring too much, get mad when there's no faith between us. I dun care how my frens gonna changed. I dun care who they gonna turn to be..i never let go as long as we're relying on each other, as long as we're caring for one another. And that's make wat frenship all about..

Denise was leaving us couple weeks ago to Japan..but i never feel like she's so far away from me. Dear, u seem like bek Bidor or KL and we gonna meet u in the comin days. I tell u wat..dat day i went to Istimewa havin my supper bout 4am wit Pooi Kwan n Kelly after we discussing the layout design for Beyond Borders. This is the 1st ever time i went to Istimewa in this sem. It recalled me the days we used to spent together there wit Loony and Mr Blue.. We plan to go Langkawi after our final exam. But apparently we gonna make it without u and i'm wondering who gonna drink wit me when we're there. Do u stil remember the promise u made to me as u gonna get hang over wit me in Langkawi? Or shud i quit alcoholic drinks til the day i meet u? Nobody gonna stick wit me and teasing Loony and Mr Blue when we feel like wanna..i started to miss ya dear..I dunno how ur life when u surrounded by Nihon-Jin..i dunno whether u can start ur diet by bicycling and playing Ping Pong.. i dunno when u gonna start a new post and tell me ur life out there..(Am i sound like forcing u to update ur blog?)

Denise in Japan, Hui Ling in Finland, Wan Yin in Taiwan, Wei Jay n Wei Ting in Aus, Champ in New Zealand, Zhi Eh in US...when is my turn to step out Msia n start my new life.. Why it seems so far away from me.. Tuan Haji said we have to be passionate if we reali wan to be a journalist..shud be investigative jounalist. No freedom in this country for us seeking for the truth..no freedom for speech, no freedom for gathering, no equality in studies, never hav the real truth in media, never hav the real honest ppl in politic, never hav the real words to say when it needed.. Passionate can turned to be what hurt the most in the end..i'm already fed up..

Longing for another vacation..longing for another dreams..longing for the day we meet each other..longing for the days u walk in my life..once again..

Tired@WriTing

It'd been raining whole day long. Kept myself at home n watched 4 DVDs throughout the day. Just trying to get myself some rest after spent two night at BK lab.. Miss the days i went to cinema to watch movie wit my buddies and my beloved one. Never get to watch any movie in this sem.. Almost forget the real experiencing inside the cinema..sigh.. Am i goin to continue life like this til the next holiday? Argh...kinda stress when i think bout it. It make me think bout my current assignments and projects..

Haven pass up my story to my editor since the convo week..feel very sorry for her cos of my laziness.. Yet i stil struggle wit the article..dunno wat angle shud i focus on..hope i may finish it by this weekend. Then one more story for next issue of BK..need to investigate some info since got 2 version from different party. Dat day wrote a malay article then Tuan Haji told Omel dat the writing kinda worst.. Gosh..disappointed.. i know my Malay writing is suck..lol. But it not gonna stop me from continue writing it.

I just realise dat i am liking to write bcos of the feeling of solitude..i found my own peace on writing. I write when i can't speak out my mind or i feel hard to express myself. I write when i keen to commemorate my past, my mistakes and those i never tend to forget.. And sumtimes i wish to share wit those i caring for.. Perhaps i'll be easily fixed on isolation so completely removed from the stir of society. I'm kinda weird i know..><

Spent my last weekend wit my family n buddies at hometown..Mum din grumble when i was around. Thank God that i can hav some peace n no more quarrel this time. I only met Papa on Friday and we never get to hav a chance to talk. Perhaps both of us haven ready to start the conversation.. Anyway..my beloved niece started to walk d..then i've been followed all the way when she's around..damn miss her hugs n kisses d..^^

Tired of my current life sumtimes..tired of the days rushing for articles, hunting and following for issues and events, photograph shooting, countless assignment & reading and of course included the overnight layout designing.. It is needless to live like this yet i choose to walk this way. I wondered sumtimes whether it gonna be a right path for me..somehow i shudn't regret as i had make the decision but not somebody else who put me on this condition. I'll be ok..just make sure i'll gaining something then i wouldn't regret bout it..not even once.

Heading to Muka Head on Monday. Awaiting for another inspiration n refreshment to continue move on for the comin challenges.. I'll be on the editorial board for next issue of BK. Think i'll be more tension n bz for the next two weeks. God bless me..

FiRst TheY CaMe by Martin Niemöller

Als die Nazis die Kommunisten holten,
When the Nazis came for the communists,
habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Kommunist.
I remained silent; I was not a communist.
Als sie die Sozialdemokraten einsperrten,
When they locked up the social democrats,
habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Sozialdemokrat.
I remained silent; I was not a social democrat.
Als sie die Gewerkschafter holten,
When they came for the trade unionists,
habe ich nicht protestiert; ich war ja kein Gewerkschafter.
I did not speak out; I was not a trade unionist.
Als sie die Juden holten,
When they came for the Jews,
habe ich geschwiegen; ich war ja kein Jude.
I remained silent; I wasn't a Jew.
Als sie mich holten,
When they came for me,
gab es keinen mehr, der protestieren konnte.
there was no one left to speak out.

给你

我又再次的向宛盈借了伊能静的《生死遗言》，又再次的翻阅了每一行、每一字。怎么会有这么细腻的文字、这么深切的爱……

她用文字细说着他对他的爱恋，她的思索，也让我想到了我和你。

我以为你再也不会出现在我的文章里，殊不知，我还是毫无预料、毫无准备的为你写下许许多多的思念，许许多多的过去……

原来，我很嫉妒你，嫉妒你有我这么的喜欢着你，有我这么的关心着你的一切。

我总是告诉自己别再牵挂，别再依恋着你对我那些未来的承诺，然后试着从朋友那儿得到力量，不值得再为你等待，说服自己这样的抉择是正确的，我没错过你，你也没错过我，我们只不过是彼此生命中的过客，不牵绊，不留恋，从此各分东西。

他们说，相遇，是为了要相守。有多少人真正懂得其中道理，又会有多少人愿意毫无计较的付出，风风雨雨，相守相惜……

我忘了那些没有你的日子，让自己停留在和你初相识的那一年，让自己漂流在渐渐了解你，深深恋着你的回忆里。那么靠近，也那么遥远。

你总是让我，在对你失望、对你不屑的时候，震撼的我的心灵，字字句句，都那么的让我自觉卑微，是你对我的情感超乎我对你的关怀，抑或我真的不懂你付出的方式？

我们是那么不同，截然不同。生活的方式，说话的方式，表达爱的方式，所有的所有，你是你，我是我。

你的生活圈、夜生活、纹身、穿耳洞、香烟、酒精，我从没参与过，我从不曾试着讨好你，你也从不让我沾上任何痕迹，我知道，这是你保护我的方式，你不说的，我都明白。

我告诉你我很没有安全感，但我质疑的，不是你对我的情感，你说我不够爱你，没有你爱我的多。我忘了告诉你，从头到尾，我对你的信任，一样没改变，我缺乏的安全感，是我对感情的控诉，我害怕失去，所以总是在逃避，逃避你，逃避身边每一个人，唯有友情，让我相信可以细水长流。所以就算你当天如何的怪罪我都好，我还是在电脑荧幕的这端，留着泪，要求你当我一辈子的朋友，就只是朋友。

我以为我真的很坚强，尝试着寻找另一个依靠，心情低落时，浮现在脑海的，却依然还是你……
我终于知道你说的《倾城之恋》，原来是张爱玲其中一本名作，你怎么会看张爱玲的文字，我搞不懂你，真的很不像粗线条的你。你总是有很多旁人忽略的优点，就像我初次看到你的文字，才发现你字体的优美，就像我渐渐了解你的那段日子，才发现你的心思细腻。但我说的也是真的，我不想像故事里的男女主角，我不要那样的结局，虽然是圆满的结局，但我经不起那样的折磨，分离的折磨。

我不善于表达，不善于说话，也不喜欢认真说话，很多时候，我思考着我和你之间，但却无法找人分享，是因为他们都说我们在彼此浪费时间，是因为他们都劝我放弃等待，是因为他们都说你很自私，也是因为他们都不了解你，也不了解我对你的牵挂，我们之间，为何总是纠缠不清，我们俩，何时才能放下？

我总是害怕错过，一直担心自己辜负了你，一直害怕自己伤害了你，可是也一直伤害自己，伤害身边的那些人，不敢给于承诺，担心承诺的背后，是无止尽的泪流。你说过的话，我都记得，我说过的话，我懂你也从没忘记，所以我总是害怕遇到另一个会记得所有我说过的话的人，因为我无法承受背叛你的感动，结果我还是选择伤害别人，只为了让自己好过些，也警惕着自己我不值得拥有更多。你总是很轻易的就让我掉泪，一直都是。

我写了好多好多，才怀疑自己有没有勇气，让这篇文字出现在我的部落格，记得妍雪问过我，为什么总是能把心情写在部落格里，不担心被人看穿、被人了解吗？我告诉她说，写了，我的心情会舒服些，很多时候，唯有文字是最真实的告白……

很多时候，透过文字，我才能了解自己，我才能更看清自己，自己所犯下的错误，我的内疚，我的恐惧，我的哀怨……还有那些我想珍惜的一切人与物，那些我不想错过的事物，我留恋的回忆，我成长的记忆——是悲欢离合、是难分难舍、是相知相惜、是所有的所有，我的所有。

The Hundredth Post of MiNe

So boring..i'm in BK lab right now. Ejane beside me mumbling for her umbrella being stolen.Yee Guan said we all havin a mentally burn-out which mean we all goin loco after we immmerse into BK..she said we're degenerating ourselves this sem since we started our BK press..now Nisah is talking nonsense behind me n trying to molest me..sigh..BK lab is sucks...everything in this sem is suck!!!

Life is miserable but dunno why i tend to raise my smile today..:) I think i'd make a decision when i wake up this morning and everything seem getting well and i love how it flow right now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Continue this post after i bek from my class after 3pm. Thought i will stucked myself in Bk Lab til the class at 2pm..chat wit Jack in msn and he offered to fetch me home. Felt thankful cos he's willing to gip me a ride n fetch me bek again to lab after dat. Thanks ya^^

I jz realised it is the hundredth post of mine in frenster blog. And today i did smile a lot in campus..perhaps everything turned to be more clearer after i talk to a fren yesterday, after i considered bout the conversation wit sis dat day..after i asked myself once n once again wat i can do to my present life.

I really love how my life turn to be right now. Cos i think i learned a lot in this sem though the bz life driving me crazy n made me become impatient when communicate wit others. Sorry for those around me.. My buddies, my housemates, my coursemate and even Meilin n Jenny are suffering for my bad n irresponsible attitude and actions..Sorry guys..i always gav myself the excuses of being tension n depressed cos of assignments. Sis was right when she said she can't accept my excuses as i'm not the only person being tension here..so did she as far as i concerned.

I shudn't keep this kinda moody life throughout this sem n let others down..Sorry guys..once again. And dear Denise..love ya still..i know u would understand my feeling right? Sorry for dat day..i jz can't take the feeling for losing once n once again.. Do take care urself when u're being oneself in Japan.. Be stronger n dun waste ur tears til the day i meet u k..Loony, finally i hav the courage to talk to u this morning. I do miss the days we used to hang out together..yet my current life reali driving me crazy.. sorry for everything ya..i love u guy forever n ever..heheh

I'll bek home on this Thursday. Almost 2 months i never bek hometown d. Miss my mom n babe so much.. And temd to meet wanyin be4 she bek to Taiwan. Promised wit her n lala dat we're goin to watch firework and sing-K together on National Day. Suddenly recall the days when i used to hang-out wit my old classmate during every celebration n watched firework together..^^
Stil got 1 more article for Beyond Borders, 2 more articles and 1 more feature writing for BK4. Then 2 more photography assignments for Dr Adnan in the coming two weeks. Thank God that Dr Adnan postponed the deadline for the assignments. I knew i am dwelling a blissful life actually..just i always tend to be in a dejected mood.. Be cheerful..dats wat somebody told me last9. Thanks for those around me n ready to accept who i am no matter how i became n how i'm goin change to be in the comin days..indeed appreciate everything u guys have did for me n ready to by my side eventhough i no longer hav time for u guys nowadays..:)

Dearest sis, i und u care bout me..i und u dunwan me to get any part time job cos u wan me to focus on my study. But sis u hav to und me as i do need some extra expenses for my current life. I need lotsa to cover in magazines, books, outdoor activities for photography session n so on.. Perhaps u would think it's a waste but i really enjoy my life right now though i'm getting bz. I din watch any movie in this sem and i dun even get chance to shop in my current life. Although u might be mad at me for spending so much but trust me i know wat i'm doin right now and wat i'm goin to do.. Sorry for troubled u n made u worry bout me.. I'm just finding my path dat gonna drive me to my dreams. Sorry again for any inconvenience and troubles i've caused for u..

I need not everybody to agree wit me on every actions n moves i've make. I just need those i trusted n cared for to by my side even they knew that i might be falling down n hav my heart broken after all..

So Long for..

Need to send 2 articles for my editor tmr. Haven start any yet..Out of time recently. Summore got an event need to cover tmr morning at Georgetown..then got work at Prai after dat. Everything seem in a mess for me..wat a messy life..
Skipped many classes in this sem. Especially Tuan Haji's lecture..i dunno why others seem well in their time management yet i struggle wit it still. I can't live wit tension..it drive me crazy indeed. I'm reali tired of being tired..countless assignment awaits me in the comin days. I was doubtful dat i put too much pressure on myself..yet no answer forthcoming..i stil have to cope wit it..sigh..
Called mom jz now..felt warmed after talk to her. Mom asked me not to eat after 8pm as she knew dat i gained lotsa weight cos of the stressful life..lol..She shud noticed dat no1 gonna keep me away from food unless i tend to do so..haha..think i gonna continue like this til the day i found another solution to make me feel better n more relax..Mom asked me when i gonna graduate..felt weird. Is dat bcos i never bek home for so long then she started to miss me and the days i used to by her side? But she never knew dat it's gonna be a new beginning for me to start my new life and leaving here after i graduate..perhaps i'll stay..but seems nth worth for me to stay here..nth n nobody..
The outdoor photography session changed date d..sigh. Now i can't join my classmate and those dearest foreigners cos i need to work during that weekend..sigh...another long sigh for my present life. So i can bek home during the weekend of National day..stil can get to meet Wanyin be4 she bek to Taiwan..:)
Jz mentioned bout my mom advice for not havin meal after 8pm yet i'm eating MiMi right now in the mid9..lol..feel sorry for my Levi's collection. Dunno when i can get myself fit in again..
So long for holiday..so long for Alor Star..so long for the kisses from my babe niece..

AbanDoneD

I started to wonder..am i left out so much in ur life? Why i seemed an outsider in the conversation made with ya all? I can't comprehend that kinda feeling..i felt uneasy, i felt everything changed to be something i never wish to be..

We used to share everything..now i no longer included in the shared list as i seldom havin time wit y'all..is dat wat frenship all about?

I was pissing off..indeed. Keep blaming myself for all the words i'd been yelling to u...how dare i do this to u..why i wanna lead myself to grief?

I can't take the feeling for losing someone i care for..i can't take the feeling for no more sharing between us..i need not other to tell me how mean i was..and i need not other to tell me how important u are to me..

I can't catch up anymore..everything i wanna being close wit u all even i still sinking into my assignments, gulping wit my tears, my tension, my depression..i'm out of everything. And perhaps i'm starting to slip away of ur life..

I might not hav time to hang out as last time, i might not be able to share everything dat encounter in my life, but i do care for everything between us.. I never abandon ya all in my life..and i dunwan be the person being abandoned as well..

怀念

喜欢这个广告，因为觉得它拍得很唯美……

喜欢那个傍晚，因为是多年来，首次和她那么的一起汗流浃背……

想念那个傍晚，我们三个人的相聚……
很多时候，我希望能回到从前，但就算回到了，我也没办法改变些什么，也不想改变些什么……
我总是提醒自己，必须珍惜每一份、每一秒，珍惜当下，当下的心情、当下的人、当下的坚持，所有的所有……回忆总是很美，错过了，再也没办法回头……
想要离开这个地方，不懂是自己给自己的要求太多，压力也跟着愈来愈大，抑或我让自己沉沦在悲痛的漩涡里，体重也跟着愈飙愈高……
我的生活还是有欢笑，还是会看电影、看书时掉眼泪，可是为何总觉得少了些什么……
承诺对我显然很重要，有个人曾经答应过我，不管未来发生什么事，都不会离开我；而现在的他，并不在我身边，却希望我为他默默守候……而我，坚持了多年后，终于选择了放弃……
我很勇敢的踏出了一步，把希望寄托在另一个人身上，结果又萎缩的退了回来，然后把自己藏起来，深怕一不小心，就会受伤……
我的懦弱，他了解吗……
好久没写华文，都不懂该怎么诠释我的心情……

My StoRy@LiFe

Very boring..did nth. Tend to do my articles but start the intro then found no word to continue type. Woke up at 12 sumthing afternoon then get a nap bout 4pm and woke up again at 8pm..tot wanna go MPH at 1st..yet my laziness lead me not to do so..:p

My mom's hp spoilt d..can't call her at all..gonna wait til she get a new 1 then only i'll be able to talk to her. No time to bek hometown cos got lotsa assignments need to pass up after convo week. Got an event need to cover on 24th so can't bek to meet wanyin n lala..sigh..think i fuss so much bout my life.. Yet quite happy when i got A for my news writing assignment..:) However i'll be more happier if Tuan Haji would tell me how i gonna improve my writing skill rather than giv me an A and say nth after all..

A fren of mine struggling of problems between housemates.. Felt glad that i could by her side when she was in need..Wish she'll be okay..Wish dat i may hav much time for her in the comin days..

Received sms from my guardian angel in the mid9 while i was doin my japanese revision couple days ago.. Seems like i reali ready to get myself out of the situation this time. No more tears when i read ur msg, no more grief gulping wit this time.. Perhaps i'm getting tired of our previous rship. Love shudn't be like dat..i reali get tired of waiting anymore. From time to time, we've promise each other never ever look bek yet we always broke it in the end. I meant it this time. I'm trying so hard to set myself free since the day we fall apart. And now i realised dat i oredy get used to the days without u..without ur calls, ur msgs, ur hugs, ur everything. Even no more exhilaration when u said u love me..Time did change something right? It changed my feelings towards u..lotsa memories dat i never wish to let go. Dun ever call me dear, darling or sweetheart.. It seems too heavy for me to continue loving u..

Apparently, i get bek the ordinary life i used to hav be4..just that i seldom take a long walk in campus anymore. Afraid that i might miss out so much memorable things in my final year..I was given the freedom to choose the life dat i gonna live with, and now i need to make sure dat i'm not gonna mar my happiness once again..

Sis said babe learn to walk everyday at home nowadays..miss her so much.. Miss her tender kisses n warmest hugs..miss her smile, the way she called me, the way she acted like a spoiled child around me, the way she try to call my attention on her. I started to wonder bout the day when she grew up.. Would i be the person dat might crossed her mind when she feel like wanna share her happiness or sadness in life?

I just tend to crap to9..lotsa feeling dat retained in my mind.. My housemates asked me to write in Chinese next time cos they lazy to read it in English..lol.. Thanks for hav a browse here.. It's my stories and my life..^^

GuiDanCe

Finally finished the 2nd issue of BK and now move on to the 3rd issue. The 2nd haven get publish yet already got stories needed to be cover for the next issue. Summore it's the season for convo next week. I get a part time job during the convo cos most of our classes cancelled d..yet i still need to be on assignments throughout the convo week..think i'll be damn bz in the following weeks..

Thank God dat every assignments postponed to the week after the convo. I stil hav time searching references of my short essay for my Visual Communication and Journalism paper..then gonna start our photos hunting with the Nikon D70 in pg island for the next assignment..seems very professional..lol. The next assign for us is the 3 days 2 night outdoor photography session from 31st Aug til 2nd Sept..but Dr Adnan haven decide the location yet. There's bout 20 foreign students took this paper wit us together..^^ Think we'll be indulging ourselves on the beach wit those bikini hotchicks and sexy guys..:p

Recently used to stay late in the BK lab helping for layout designing. But seemed dat i was the person dat used to bek be4 12mid9 whilst my frens stay until 3 or 4 morning or stay over9 there.. Sorry ya frens..i can't stand to stay there til the next morning..i miss my pillow n blanket..hehe. Unfortunately i realised i must get it through one day when i'm gonna on the board in the 5th issue BK..So just let me pampered myself in this way right now..

Planned to bek home tmr.. I'm longing to bek my hometown since last week. I used to escape when i suffered from tension or depressed.. I need to get out from the current situation then only i can make myself clear. Otherwise i might continue immerse myself into it..Thus lost myself in the end. The reality defeats us in many aspect, yet it did make us stronger sumhow..only if we're willing to step forward after being fall over. Seems like i'm mumbling here..lol

Sensei asked us to take for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test in Dec.. Still bothering bout it. Dunno wanna sit for level 4 and 3 or just level 4 only..summore i keen to register for German Language Proficiency Test since last year..afraid dat i hav no time for revision. Why all those exam settled on end of the year..suffer me..

Sleeping Champion, owe me dinner at Chili's..hehe.. remember bring ur international student card then only i wil treat u for 2 movie..Other than that i'll reduce it to 1 movie..:p Remember to bring my souvenir when ya bek..

Found 2 quotation from a lecturer's notice board in management sch when i went to interview him last week.."If something is ur passion, listen to ur heart. If it's what u love more than anything else, don't stop doin it for anybody." The other one is sound like.."Pain is temporary. It may last a minute or an hour, or a day, or a year, lifelong. But eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If i quit, however, it lasts forever."

As we go through life, we learn that if we dun paddle our own canoe we don't move.. Let ur values guide u. We appreciate, as we never could have be4, how lucky we are to have in this very moment..

My WaY

The 1st post of mine in August. Been very bz since i started my articles hunting for BK. Well, did learn lots indeed.. Learnt how to works wit my coursemates and how to use the Nikon D70 DSLR camera..yet i stil got lots need to be learnt. No time to do my Japanese revision, think i'm gonna disappointed my sensei this sem..luciky i din take French language, if not i dunno how to manage my time eventhough i only took 17 unit for this sem. Think the BK oredy occupying most of my time..even no time for me to bek hometown n get any part time job. But i do enjoying it in this way...at least no time for nonsense thinking.

It's my sis bday on 4th Aug, called her and sang the bday song that she used to sing for me last time..lol. Happy Birthday ya sis..^^ Wish ya all da best in life n do strive for ur dreams. Whenever u feel depressed n encounter any hardtime in life, just turn around and i'll be there..^^ dat's a lifelong vow dat i made for u..Thanks for und me eventhough i din tell ya much bout my recent life. Dun worry bout me sis, u do know that u need not worry bout me cos i can switch it bek as usual right? Ask Boy to bek wit ya next time k..i never meet him for ages and miss him so much. Maybe we can hav our shopping trip together at KL when ya bek then he can be our slave..hehe. Think he is adequate in this position..lol.

So long for movie date..yet find no movie dat attract me recently. Looking forward to Perfect Stranger starred by Bruce Willis and Halle Berry..hope dat i would hav time for it. Been isolated myself for so long since i bek from KL, most times i felt sorry to reject my buddies for the offered movie dates, dinners, yam cha and so forth.. I just keen to be alone cos i can feel the emptiness inside my heart even i've been surrounded by ppl. Can't make up my mind to concentrate and can't finish my books until now..keep remind myself dat i stil got an assignment dat needed to pass up on Friday. However found dat no more sources for the reference books when i went to library last week..sigh..

There is sumone dat i never expected had browsing my Blog here.. Thanks ya..I'm sorry if i did troubled u lots. I never blame u for everything dat happened between us and i never untrusting u for every word u'd been said. Just i was perturbed sumtimes..i cannot comprehend wat u reali wan between us and i felt stupid for hoping too much.. We'll be alright eventually..i told u dat u reali a great buddy for me and i reali meant it. I can't foresee our future so lets 4get bout our past.. Yet i wonder would u stil be my buddy after everything dat happened between us.. U told me be4 u gonna be fren wit me no matter wat happen right? I hope u never 4get bout it.. and i'll take all the trifles to heart even though it doesn't matter anymore.

Two more months then i'll finished this sem and move on another part of my life.. Would it remain the same or there's gonna be any changes in the comin days? I wondered sumhow.. Listening to those old songs dat i fond of, then found myself paused in the past.. Havin to carry it throughout my life, reminded myself not to do those mistakes again. It was the pain, humiliation and agony that taught me to mend my way..

welcome to wherever u are@bon jovi

Maybe we're all different
But we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be

If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it seems you're lost, alone and feelin' down
Remember, everybody's different; just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life; you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Be who you want to be, be who you are
Everyone's a hero, everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect; God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
(I say welcome) Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
(welcome) you gotta believe
Right here right now, Welcome

Every new beginning is some beginning's end.. i need to get it started if not i wont be able to walk away from my past. And i believe dat i'm gonna carry on a better life though i made some stupid mistakes dat brought me to become who i am today. Ppl do change sumtimes yet i believe on the innate character would remain the same. Be who u are, be who u wan to be..i'm learning to be a better person, thank for letting me more perceive bout myself after those path dat i'd got through and those decisions dat i'd made. Sorry for hurting those around me..

I doesn't reali like myself right now for wasting time accomplished nth. Perhaps i would found my path as the years tick by.. I tend to look bek with satisfaction in the comin days, instead of forward with sadness. No regret at all..dat's wat i keep telling myself..

The BesT ThinGs In LiFe

Tot i will wake myself up and go for my Japanese class at 9am yet i let myself continue in my slumberland hence missed the 11am class oso.. I keep in mind dat i'm gonna start a new life, gonna rearrange my daily routine, gonna accomplish so much in the comin days. But vision without action is daydreaming.. Jenny called me n remind me not to continue like this..sigh..sorry ya frens, make y'all worry bout me..i'll be ok..i'll prove it to ya..

It'd been a suffered week for me..Damn sad for the misunderstanding wit my buddy. Sorry for hurting u.. i never think bout the consequences and i never think dat it gonna turn to be like this. I reali hope dat u understand my real intention, i never treat u as stupid but i jz tend to tell ya wat i felt from the beginning til the end.. I knew u always got ur own thinkings.. But u do know dat i got my own views on judging an incident. It's reali hurt when i read ur sms.. My tears burst out when u dunwan to pick up my phone as i tend to talk to ya..I need ya to hav faith between us.. i think bek and i understand ur feeling after all.. Sorry for all the stupid mistakes dat i'd made..though it doesn't matter anymore. You're always the one for me u shud know.. Thank God dat it's not the end of our story.. Time will tell if we gonna get it through together..

The first person dat crossed my mind was my lil guardian angel everytime i felt depressed and helpless.. I knew u worried bout me over there. Thanks for ur msg as it did touched me n made me feel like wanna be wit u once again..I understand wat u hesitate bout..same as me here. But sumtimes i wish we could jz ignore bout other consequences n start all over again..i know it's impossible yet i jz tend to daydreaming bout the possibility sumtimes. One of us must make the decision for not hurting each other in the comin days..and i choose to keep u as part of my life as i dunwan to lose u in future. U're always my best buddy, the most heart-warming person in my life.. Lets get this through together k..i wont be reluctant bout our past anymore..and promise me dun ever look bek k..U have to be firm then only i can let it go..

Thanks for my dearest chimui-s to by my side when i'm in need.. Thanks Lin for everything dat u did..Thanks Shin for tried to make me laugh n accompany me to get it through..Sorry for fake a smile cos it stil pain in heart.. Thanks for understand me n trust towards me. I find no other fren to talk to cos i dun think dat they understand my feelings. Think i'll be dying without ur love..

I reali can't take for the devastating feeling all over again..Think i'd been seducing in the adrenaline rush n mentally burn-out.. I used to be idealistic n ambitious but i led myself astray at the halfway. Chat wit sis this early morning bout 3am.. though i never tell her my current encountered yet felt release after talk to her.. How i gonna start my new life here? i stil wondered about it..

My buddies lala n wanyin gonna pay me a visit tmr afternoon n stay over9 here.. Frenship is the passion in my life.. Denise, i do know dat u care bout me as u tried to ask me dat9, yet i'm not ready to tell.. I need to be clear about myself be4 i tell, i dun wanna continue like this.. U haven depart to Japan yet i felt like u're far away from me d.. Thanks Cammie for understand my feelings..think i'm oso not deserve to be loved..

The best things in life can never be kept, they must be giv away..a smile, a kiss and love..

一了百了@Charlotte Bronte

一辈子两个人在一起
你说要加个或许
不是你不喜欢甜言和蜜语
只是你比较实际
两个人一辈子不分离
你问我好在哪里
不是你不期待永恒的恋曲
你说最美的爱情叫做回应
为何连分手都不跟我争吵
撂下一句话就想逃跑
让我爱难平恨难消情难灭梦难了心难过
你却放手一了百了
离开我你说是为了我好
可知道这句话伤人不少
就算忘不了没有大不了
反正一切都不再重要
我的心既然你全都不了
何必再继续让彼此困扰
斩断纠缠的爱
从今就一了百了
Special dedication to my best pal Yong Pin n dearest chimui Joey..^^Our theme song at Redbox in July as three of us having the same sadness encountered yet the other three indulge in their sweet rship life. Miss the days dat spent wit y'all..sigh..kinda frustrated after bek pg. Wish u all would by my side all the time eventhough i realise it's impossible..

If the most beautiful part in love is those memories dat'd been built together, then i rather i dun hav a good memory. Just to wish dat u're just a stranger dat happening to pass by my life..Mei Lin said i seem depressed everytime she met since this new semester. Think i reali been in a dejected mood recently..life is miserable. Convincing myself to bed at 4 or 5 morning everyday latterly and wake myself up at almost 12 sumthing afernoon...gained 5 kg within 2 months and can't stop myself to keep out of food until now. I'm torturing myself obviously..

I warned u not to walk in my life but then i let u in eventually.. Hence put myself in hell since the day u walk away.. I longed for u to just giv me the answer, but u pretend nth and left all the wonders behind. It doesn't matter anymore..cos i'm oredy torn into pieces..cos i'm the person who turned u down in the beginning. I wonder would u think bout me while i'm thinking bout u right now? I wonder would u giv me ur big warm hug if i seeing u once again..i wonder why..u left me dat answer in msn.. We'd been too close, yet too far from now..Perhaps i'm jz too far from where u are..Sorry cos i can't giv u any promise when u asked me..i just realise it's the way u wish to see me in the coming days, the way u asked me to be with ya. Do i ever crossed ur mind since the day we fall apart..

...no young lady shud fall in love till the offer has been made, accepted-the marriage ceremony performed n the 1st half year of wedded life has passed away- a woman may then begin to love but wiv great precaution-very coolly-very moderately-very rationally-If she ever loves so much dat a harsh word or a cold look from her husband cuts her to da heart-she is a fool...by Charlotte Bronte

I reminded myself of Bronte's advice..i'm such a fool...

I'm LiKe a BirD

Bek from kl after spent my weekends at Kl wiv my Chimui and best pal Yong Pin n Pighead See Yeen there..^^ Trying to rearrange my daily routine to makesure i can catch up those classes and lessons dat i'd skipped. Started to busy for our campus press Berita Kampus, needed to find out some sources to get news and watever valuable incidents dat suit for uni students. I'm seeming like a bird losing its way home, dunno where to get started and where to get clicked in this kinda life. Perhaps i haven get use to reporter's life, my consciousness and awareness is extremely low n needs to be improved. I wil try to cope with it..wish i can get a better life, a new life afresh, no more hatred, no more pain..

Finally got together with my Chimui n Yong Pin at KL..Gosh..miss them badly. I doesn't need to speak out any thought and they knew it all..that's wat i like about frenship, real frenship.. Missed every single little things dat made us shed our tears and shared our laughters together.. Thanks for our hubby Yong Pin for planned for the Redbox arragement, though the plan is quite IMPRESSED us..lol. Our next stand was the crabs meal at Kepong..and quite embarassed cos needed sum1 to take our family photo on the roadside..kaka..i stil think dat my plan to Zoo Negara is the best..lol. No objection pls..

Thanks Pighead See Yeen to be my companion and spent times wiv me at Kinokuniya and letting me to get to know Huei Chen which is Loony Hometown's buddy..my God..think dat destiny reali drew us together..hehe. Pighead, dun be afraid..i wont do the things as the Master said..i prefer to handling my life with my own efforts but not some1 to bring me become a slacker..wish me luck ya..^^

Feeling lost sumtimes bcos i lead myself astray n keep holding bek to the unforgotten memories n all the stupid mistakes..can't let it go cos tot dat there's stil got some hopes that i might be missed or regretted if i did walk away right now. Kinda depressed after bek from KL, felt myself changed a lot and i doesn't like who i am nowadays seriously. Loony said i'm stil the real me..dat's not any changes..yet i grew up.. I like this word pal..it made me believe dat i did learnt sumthing and more perceive bout myself after spent 2 months degenerated myself there. Promised myself no more heavy alcoholic beverages here at pg..perhaps shudn't be no more..but i wil reduce the number of times..lol

Tot i wil hate sumone recently dat hurt me..yet found dat i stil be reluctant to hate sum1 in my life. Perhaps he used to be like dat..perhaps he reali got bad intention towards me but i think he never intended to hurt me in the end. Perhaps..sigh..sorry if i did hurt him in return as he tried to make me laugh yet i gave him the faked smile as everyone know..indeed sorry. And thanks for your apologise towards me as i knew u seldom say that word to others.. To be frankly i'm real sad to say goodbye dat day..my tears sliding down my cheeks and i knew i missed another chance again..sorry indeed. I never hate u..just we're not meant to be gather i know. Perhaps i just being dimwitted for all the hopes that u gave me..or maybe lies.. Take care and frenship 4eva..

ConFusing@YoU

Dunno wat i'd done..seemed lies in a dream. I dunno whether this is the path dat i gonna go through or i can choose to walk away..sumhow i wondered why i immmersed myself into this kinda bad condition and stil continue to let myself falling down in this very moment..

I'm sad if i ever trusting for the wrong person. Regretted if i'd been fooling around..depressed cos i think i'm falling deeper gradually and can't get myself out of it..shud i pray for walk away with no tears burst out or shud i pray for ya to be real honest towards me and hurt me in return?

Tot i wil be stand firmly in my ground in the beginning, yet u lead me to lost myself day after day.. Wat kinda feeling dat stucked in ur mind right now? Wat reali u wan to do..wat reali u tend to do? and wat reali u wan me to do for ya? I dun understand u indeed..and i'm very confuse since u never reali wanna share ur thoughts and tell me wat reali u wan between us..

Perhaps u never been hurt..perhaps u never think bout others..perhaps u never consider bout any circumstances and consequences.. Perhaps i just being silly for caring for the wrong person..

词穷

刚刚原本开始写英文稿，一不小心按错了鼠键，整篇稿不见了，没感觉，习惯了，再也不会有心疼的感觉，也许真的因为已经麻木了。想到要用华文来表达，又有点毫无头绪了……我到底是怎么了？

终于实习最后一天了，没有很大的心情起伏，或许，我真的不属于这儿，该离开的，终究还是必须离开…后悔吗？不敢说完全没，气自己没好好努力，没好好把握，我知道我可以做得更好，可是却没办法说服自己好好珍惜。

我没办法融入这样的生活，虚伪的人群，原本以为同事们都很简单，但发现某些人都是为了些利益而接近我。气自己那么容易得相信他人，气自己对他人的防备之心太弱了……人啊，干嘛把自己弄得那么复杂……让我也觉得自己很复杂，很难了解……

没了消息的那端，我知道，也明了，接下去到底该怎么做……很多时候，我希望自己能狠心的转身，再也不回头，却一次又一次的背叛自己，你的优柔寡断，总是让我一次又一次的失望……若你选择这样，我们就别再拖着对方，好吗？别再这样的蹉跎岁月……不值得……我们都不值得为对方这样的守候着，自私的人没资格谈恋爱，只会为对方带来更多伤害。祝福你，也祝福我……
两个月了，呆在这个陌生的城市，只觉得自己好坏，很堕落……用酒精麻醉自己的日子，其实并不会很好过。

我的冷漠，是因为我害怕，害怕伤害自己，害怕伤害他人，也害怕心动的开始……我的冷酷，是因为我必须伪装自己，来掩饰自己的胆怯，我的防备之心，是为了不让自己难过……不让自己有机会难过。

他们都劝我，爱自己多一些……我们从心的出发点有些许偏差，我坚持的或许错了，但我没后悔过，至少我是这么认为着……

我想家了，很想回家……

LiVing To LoVe YoU by Sarah ConnoR

All we had was just one summer
Two lovers strolling in the park
But like they say the world keeps turning
As the leaves would’ve fallen, we should fall apart

Now I’m waiting for the winter
To build my castle out of ice
And deep inside is massive building
There’s a crystal lake of all the tears I've cried.

CHORUS:
Baby for all my life
Don’t you know that it’s true?
I’m living to love you
So baby don’t think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart and do what I do
Cause I´m living to love you

I’m living to love you …

When you’re gone it’s not forever
Cause you’re remaining in my heart
So tell me why I feel this aching
Every time I think of you when we’re apart

CHORUS

I admit that from time to time
I’m feeling insecure and think I’m gonna loose my mind
Don’t let it show…no…no…no…no..nooo
I don’t think I’ll never understand
That our love should never have a happy end
So I’m really gonna try my best
To let you know
To let you know

CHORUS

When the final day comes
I know the angles
They will see my smile
And if they wanna know the reason
I will tell them why
Baby for all my life ooh yeah
I’m living to love you

What i'm saying is true, i dun like the feeling i'm havin right now. I'm feeling damn insecurity for our relationship right now. I dunno wat u shud do..i shudn't be the person to ask for more. I dun hav the right..at least now for sure. I know u afraid of it n same as me here.. i only dare to confess it after u told me ur feeling. But why sumtimes i dun feel like i understand u? I mean u make me wanna fall in love but u make me paused after dat.. Just tell me wat u reali wan. Dun let me to keep on guessing here..i'm not a mindreader..

AmbiTious

It came across my mind this morning that i left 10 more days to be here. Sounds pretty good right? Yet feel be reluctant to part from my chimui and buddies here somehow. Still, I never fall to this city after two months here. It used to be my dream for study here after form 6 when i applied for my 1st choice UM on literature. Perhaps all is fated d...and perhaps it was a right path dat brought me to who i am today, made me even more perceive bout my future plans. It was the most purposely and mentally stimulating time of my life when i get into uni. I've learned, about how i can bury it. Bcos the past claws its way out...I'm looking forward for the days i bek pg. I wish, somehow, i'll dare to be ambitious.. to transform a better life, to be somebody. Denise, we're rich in soul n love, but poor in pockets and wallet..lol

Recently went to Kinokuniya bookstore and wasted RM160++ for 3 books..Yet, no regret at all. Wish i get much money then i could purchase more. I wondered why my tears will sliding down my cheeks sumtimes when i was reading..am i a sensible or emotional person? i doubted somehow...but there were no answers forthcoming.

If pg was the city dat reminded me of who i used to be, then Kl is the next city could has become someday. I'm not a mindreader. Dun make me confuse bout myself by ur words, ur behaviors, ur everything..U turned me to be who i am today. And i felt bad after all..after those stupid mistakes dat i'd made.. I just wan to live a simple life. Is it too much i'm asking for?

Suddenly miss my bro Boy latterly, seems like never meet him for ages. I never meet him after CNY if i was not mistaken.. but there is, between us, a kinship that not even time could break.. I still can feel it, even the best we can do is keeping in touch via sms. Boy, thanks for pampered me the way that u used to do.. Strive for ur dream.. i know u can make it.

'If you judge ppl, u have no time to love them', quoted from Mother Teresa. Seems like i fond of quotations recently..^^ We always judging and bashing others when we tot we're good enuff to do so or even not. I hate self-righteous person.. but sumtimes i turn to be like dat. Shud i call it as human instinct or inherent aptitude in mankind? Most of the time we don't communicate, we just take turns talking. Perhaps that brings lots of misunderstanding.. half-hearted turns us down.. The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up. Life is a wonderful thing to talk about, or to read about in history books. But it is terrible when one has to live it..

You said dat i am an independent person and can do everything on my own. I told u dat i'm not, and i reali meant it. I never tend to be like this but the reality forced me to live like this as i can't rely on anyone around me like other gurls. I'm extremely feel insecurity for trusting a guy whole-hearted cos i can't take for the heart-broken after all. Perhaps i can't find sum1 trustworthy after u or i never tend to search for it.. It's hurt when u said u felt like i'm out of it d.. Hav faith between us ok? Sumtimes i wondered why we need to fall apart since we're still caring bout each other...There is no remedy for love but to love more.. 'You don't marry sum1 u can live with, you marry the person who u cannot live without.'

Wei Jay, nice to get ur current affairs through msn. I miss ya dear..awaiting the days u bek from aus. Dun be hesitate to take the 1st move k..though we're indeed conservative persons..lol

I need to be brave i know.. Thanks sis.. for every words u'd said to me..

PriDe@LoVe

Quite bz since last week. Finally i went out for a story..just pass it up this morning. I din reali work hard on it cos bothered wiv some problems apart from my work. Yet my assistant editor Poh Lin said my story was quite ok since i can tell wat exactly i heard n get from the interview. She said what i need is polish..dat's the only way to be a good story teller..^^ It light up my day d. I always lack of self-confident..and now i know i shud work hard on my English writing. Especially feature writing..i wish sumday my writing would touch sum1, sumwhere, somehow..i wish sumday it could make some changes towards those unfortunate person or those who in need. I wish to do it bcos it's da least i can do, and the best i can do..

'If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life u doubt, as far as possible, all things.' quoted it from sumwhere else. I doubt bout so many things in life..sumtimes it's good but sumtimes not. We might miss the chances sumhow if we doubt too much..perhaps it's not a neccessary. But it's good to keep doubting..cos it make us more clearer bout our own path, bout ourself. I lead my way..hope i'll attain my goals, my dreams, wateva i tend to pursue in life.

My dearest frens stuggle in their relationship.. Sad cos i can't help but only can be a listener by their side. Love urself first and everything else falls into line.. We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. Perhaps the hatred and pain would make us stronger..but i was doubtful who dare to take the devastating feeling all over again. Perhaps the failure could be a blessing in disguise..perhaps.. No matter wat, dun ever hurt or degenerate urself. Cos u gonna hurt those who around u n love u too..included me. The easier thing in the world to be is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other ppl wan u to be. don't let them put u in that position..

Hanging out wiv chimui Joey, Joan, Lin n our best pal Yong Pin at Murni on Friday9. Kee Woon meet us there n have a small chat.. Just realise how old we are eventually.. Recall the days of yore, it's all bout frenship..our frenship. Time flies pretty fast isn't it? sigh.. Went to Zoo Ngr on Saturday morning, we're just like dimmit as last time..lol.. Yes we are..Went to Red Box at Low Yat afterwards. If i could spent my days wiv y'all like this everyday, i dun mind to stay in this faked city..as long as y'all by my side.. Times have changed and so has us, but the basic goodness of our frenship remains..

I look back and i realised i never left u behind..u're virtually never apart from my life even we no longer sharing life together.. U're always there watching over me i know.. and so do i..

Do not let ur pride get over ur love..thanks denise^^

SomeTimes

Indeed sleepy n tired right now. Yet can't get to bed cos still need to prepare for works tmr. Quite nervous when i think bout i need to go for assign..i'm afraid dat i might miss out some points, can't understand the conversations and unexpected situation..i'm chicken..yea, Denise i'm same as u..LOL

Well, Denise..glad dat u get da opportunity to study at Chubu. Jealousy filled my heart..but not bcos u get it, jz bcos i never step up to get mine then i felt like i'm a loser. I keen to do so much thing..keen to become sum1 better..keen to become somebody. Perhaps wat i'd did is not yet enuff through the journey to pursuit my dreams. Gurl..everything wil goin fine..love ya n do remember buy me sumthing special in Japan..^^

Seeing ppl struggle in a relationship is not a good feeling. Especially it's those who close to u.. Love indeed tired ppl out. I can't say much..it's not my right to say anything to make y'all better. It's depends on both of ya to build this relationship..make sure dat's no regret, no harm, no hard feeling after all. Sumtimes i wish to run away cos i can't stand to involve into it. But fren, if ya decide wanna keep on trying n keep on hurting one another..then i'll by ur side. Dun ever hurt urself when u upset.. i'm sad cos i can't help but only can lend u my shoulders n ears.. Choose the right path..the one dat worth n deserve for ya..think bout all da consequences and aspects. Sumtimes we need to sacrifice sumthing or loss to achieve a better life in future..

Went out wiv Lala today at KLCC.. Talk lots bout my recent life and feelings after retained so much in my mind. Almost burnout i think.. Thanks fren, at least i felt release after talk to u. I learn to cope wiv my problems..perhaps i fuss too much bout my life. U made me feel safe to talk everything to u..indeed thanks for listening. It meant lots for me..a problematic person..^^

I talk lots bout sum1 recently to my frens. Not bcos i tend to..jz it's a right time for me to tell when ppl asked me.. U know why i appreciate u in my life? Cos u taught me lots n accept who i am when i was still self-willed n disobedient. I discovered my ugly behaviors n attitudes after know u. U made me realised how my words turned to hurt ppl in return. I keep pushing those who care and love me away..not bcos i wish to..jz i hate to face the hatred.. but i never realise i hurt them, and i knew i did hurt u. Sorry.. No other guy make me feel secure to talk bout everything. U're the only one..and i felt free after i confessed to u all the silly n bad things i did recently in Kl. I'm not a good person i know..and i just wan ya to know how bad i am..wat a fool i am to ruin my life like this. And then i'll move on a better life..i doesn't need anybody to complete me..

There is sumtimes i feel all alone in a crowd. There is sumtimes i feel lost surrounded by ppl. And there is sumtimes i dun understand myself..

My GrieF

Finally five weeks passed..3 weeks left in NST. Joan talk to me yesterday morning and said 'the most important thing to be a journalist is getting involved'..then said start from next week i'll follow a reporter for interview, then i'll write my story, he/she will write his/her story too. Though i'm afraid of it..but i know i need to step out eventually. Just wondering how i'm suppose to write a story to cover 1-2 page in Streets..haiz..feature writing summore..

My tears flow when i saw sis's comment in my blog.. i never tot dat she'll write sumthing for me. It reali surprise me and warmed my heart. I never wish to get quarrel wiv u since u bek by my side. I dun think i can take on such emotional and physical extremes for it all to go wrong again.. i just wanna stay the same as right now. We planned to go Bali end of this year..hope it will be real^^

I had been urged never to sacrifice happiness in the pursuit of succeed. Yet i always brought myself to grief. Perhaps i care so much, perhaps i afraid to feel the devastating feeling of loss over and over again. I'm sorry if i ever hurt those who care bout me..i'm sorry cos i never learn to love myself. I was drunk til i forgot wat i'd done last saturday night..i tend to get hang over to vent my anger, to release my stressness.. and i know i'ld be safe wiv joey, andrew and yong pin.. so i drink lots til shocked yong pin..lol. Sorry.. Once is enuff.. i hate clubbing, i only fond to drink.. Sorry guys..

Recently implicated myself into guiltiness condition. I tend to help but seems things getting worst.. Joey, sorry for hurting u..i reali wish to make things better. Cos i dunwan to see you two hurting each other since both of ya caring bout one another.. i'm hesitating for being this position. I wish ya understand it..wish it won't affect our frenship.. i can't afford to lose ya in my life.. there're many person dat i appreciate in life, and u're one in the list.. What a fool i had became to break ur heart. I gulp wiv sadness when i heard u cried through calling me from the other side.. everything happened in the blink of an eye. If i ever knew it would turned to be like dat, then i'ld never try to get involved.. i dunwan our frenship have been wrecked cos of this..i'll live wiv guiltiness the rest of my life.. indeed sorry.. Pls dun hurt urself since so many ppl care bout ya.. U're lovable.. and i love ya n never wish to lose u as part of my life..

Went out wiv my chimui Joey, Lin, Joan and our best pal Yong Pin on thursday night to One-U Sushi King n The Curve TGI Friday as the next stop. Bring bek all the memories in secondary sch..unfortunately Janet can't be wiv us here.. We had become a person in a hurry even when we had no need to hurry. Busyness is not an absolute..We dun hav much time to gather within one year..thank God we spending our days here together.. We'll go to National Zoo next week..^^ nth will tear us apart. I miss the laughters, i miss every lame jokes that we'd make, i miss every moment we spent together..

I'm blessed i know.. but i can't be more pessimistic. cos it's the only way i use to get through my life. I have learnt to handle my grief, even if it rears its ugly heal every now and then. My grief never goes away, but it has become a part of me that i have learnt to live with..

FaTe

Take a leap of faith and trust in ur dream--dats wat sum1 told me recently. Thanks buddy..^^i dare to dream but daren't to tell others. Cos i dun believe in myself, i dun think dat i'm gonna make it..the possibility is too tiny so i only told those who close to me. Perhaps wat shud i do is dwelling in possibilities..i ought to do so..

Read Charmaine recent blog but dunno wat to say. I understand ur feeling gurl..but wat u expect to heard from others? Dear, hard times are a natural part of life..destiny can't help u until u're willing to step out of ur comfort zone. Get prepared to makes changes in ur life and start making them. I know u did..but the setbacks dat u think u're encountered actually is those dat u never expected..dats y u feel depress.. Ain't we gain sumthing from it right now? We learn to be stronger, learn to be contented in the real world, learn to understand ourselves.. Never judge sumthing or sum1 in ur own perception and never bashing anybody if u'r not good enuff to do so. God never create 2 person alike..and dats make us so special to each others..:) I wish u understand what i keen to tell u here..add oil for our internship k..

Sumtimes i felt my job like a grind. But wat i never try is comforting myself into it..i tend to soar..but i din reali work hard for it. I lost my pride to set my goals.. It's never to late to learn, but i'm wasting my times here. My current woes lead me to grief..to bad huh.. Yet i know i'll be ok. Nth wil turn us down unless we tend to fall.. and i never wish to degenerate myself..

Went to One-U Chili's wiv Joey yesterday..talk alot and drink a little..^^ We believe in frens 4eva..yeah, i think my chimui does..even we can't be together all the time, even we might miss out some gossips most of the time, even we din reali mention our feeling to each other sumtimes..but we understand each other indeed. Seriously they taught me lots values in life, taught me to appreciate those beside me, taught me not to hate cos hatred will eat our life..i'm damn lucky for havin them in my life and those memories dat we built together..Cheer for our frenship~

Met wiv Denise dat day and havin dinner together..Dear i damn miss ya k.. but y seems speechless when i keen to talk a lot..sigh.. Anyway, i found sumthing for ur bday present d..hope u'll like it. Pls pretend u like it even u'r not..lol. We still on for langkawi trip even Loony wont go k..dats a promise! I wanna get myself drunk..hehe

Dear Papa, i apologise to u this day knowing full well my apology does nth to assuage ur grief.. I wil talk to u when i ready for it. Pls wait for me while i'm trying to forgive myself..Happy Father's Day...

Fate affords some lovers only one opportunity to meet, others it allows endless opportunities..i always believe in fate. So buddies..dun easily giv up in a relationship k..not when both of ya still caring bout each other..

HelpLeSs@DediCatioN

Kinda mad now. Just now finish my post d but when i saved it to draft, frenster server havin error and my post disappeared..arghhhh!!!!! I wish i din start it just now..

Can't sleep at all...it's 2 sumthing in the morning and tmr i stil need to work. I think i'm not belong here..i'm stil counting the days for goin bek..25 days to go in NST, one more month to stay at KL..i miss pg lots.. Miss the days i spent wiv my buddies, miss da days i stay over9 rushed for assignments, the days when i searched my reference in library, the days i went for movies, shopping, bookstore.. haiz..sad

It's not dat i dun like for staying here. just i can't feel any sense of belonging here.. Feel no connection here, no real frens, no real relationship, real affections.. all faked.. everybody rush to work n bek home everyday.. What left for me here? Being dumped by this faked world..
Went to KLCC just now. I just tend to spend my day at Kinokuniya bookstore..totally immerse myself into it.. I wish i got much money then i can buy those books that i fond of.. Yet almost broke d..gosh..

Father's Day comin soon..sigh.. Denise, thanks for the dedication k.. Yet i dun think i ready for it yet. I know wat u mean.. and i know perhaps i wil regret in the days forward if i dunwan take the move right now.. But i need some times..perhaps more times to forgiv myself for hurting him. I hurt him much i know..same as the returned. I haven ready to talk to him..i'm not ready to face him..to look into his eyes.. I'm indeed not ready yet..now for sure..

Sis, i understand ur feeling k.. It's not dat i wanna side him when u told me the incident dat day. Sorry if my words disappointed ya k.. I just hope u think of his shoes and his real intention.. He's just concern bout our family, bout mum.. Although he dun reali understand us.. but at least he tried. I know u very stress there..i'm same as u here.. and i dun think dat he either.. Try to understand each other k.. Just keep ur hard work then u will notice the fruitful works after all. I wish i wil by ur side when u in need, be ur companion when ya need a listener..i wish to be an understanding sista for ya cos u always giv me support when i depressed. You're my long lost sista..and i can't afford to lose ya anymore..

Dear sumone dat know me true. Sumtimes i wish that we're just playing around then we wont get hurt in the end.. i reali meant it each time when i say goodbye..and same as u. Perhaps faith always turned us down.. When it gonna be the real end of our story? I wondered.. Sumtimes i doubted that i wish to study oversea is bcos i tend to start a new life without u..It's reali heart-warming to know that u still remember every single little things.. U'll not forgotten..dats for sure. Thanks for taking the 1st move as u know i wont start the conversation 1st..i'm stubborn..as u mentioned. Thanks for accept who i am and my stubbornness.. Once again..happy belated bday k..just realised we never celebrate bday for each other.. I can't predict our future.. Just wish dat our frenship wil be last forever..

Getting older..felt helpless sumtimes. Can't take for another heart broken so i promised myself wont fall to sumone til the day i'm ready for it.. But who knows when it gonna be.. I might be hurt others sumtimes..but i never really meant it.. It's take times to heal the wound..the scars.. especially for me.. I feel insecurity in a relationship.. Someday i'll know.. if i ever get through it..

just wanna share..

Never say i love you
If you really don't care
Never talk about feelings
If they aren't really there
Never hold her/his hand
If you are going to break her/his heart
Never say you are going to
If you don't plan to start
Never look into her/his eyes
If all you do is lie
Never say hello
If you really mean good bye
If you really mean forever
Then say you will try
Never say forever
Cause forever makes her/him cry

TurNinG PoinT

I tot today it gonna be sum kinda lonesome for me..Yet i saw sum changes in my days..it's great indeed.

I started to enjoy my days here..^^ My Boss Joan Lau asked me this morning whether i ready out for stories d anot..then i answered her that i might need to follow sum1 1st cos i never seen how they interview be4. Then Joan just realised dat i never been followed my colleague yet. Okay..then she said she wil let me follow sum1 1st..Thanks God..finally i get a chance to seeing outside. No more stuck in the office for processing press release..yeah!!!

Though it light up my day, i started to wondering whether i ready to cover the stories d anot.. Feature writting killing me..cos i can't get well for Hamima's paper..she's always turned me down yet made me stonger. Am i wiser now? i wondered..knowing that i stil hav a long way to go..
I started stop complaining bout my new hair cut. Physical outlooks means nth when u knowing that there are so much things u shud concerned in the moment instead of non-stop caring bout the appearance. I'm done with dat..i'm not gonna change myself from ugly duckling turn into swan. I'm goin to face and accept the reality..LOL

Luck is about being prepared 4 those opportunities dat come knocking-quoted from Reader Digest month of May. I think i did grab the chance for intern in NST, but i dun think that i prepared for it. That's why until now i stil feel lost and hanging here. I shud be thankful for staying here surrounded by those intellectual and experienced ppl. But i din take the opportunities for asking more and learning more. 'Without learning, one is a walking corpse'...i promised myself i'm not gonna waste my days here anymore..27 days to go..i wish i achieved sumthing in the end.

Gerald bek to office bout 4 sumthing and asked me how's thing goin on lately. Then i tell him Joan tend to giv me assigns sooner or later and my recent works. Thus he asked me to wrote an articles by half an hour after he gave me some facts not more than 1 minutes. haiz..i tried my best..but i can't finish it on time. But he did hav a look on my works when i keep processing it and said that it was quite good..:) suddenly i love my job here. I started to believe in myself that i can handle it well. I'm willing to learn..just make sure i wont fall so fast if i ever fail..

i finished it bout 5.30pm and tot wanna bek home and havin dinner wiv Joey and Andrew since they asked me so many times d. But then my colleague Ridzwan asked me whether interested on the french film festival opening ceremony at GSC, One-U..i can't control myself and accept the invitation without think twice. After i answered him i just realised dat it was to9 at 6 sumthing. Then he asked me wait for him to go for that movie. I'm longing for movies..and here it is!!!

So i reject Joey once again..We watch La Môme(La vie en rose), story of one of the famous singer in French-Edith Piaf. It reali a nice movie..get to discover her non-ordinary life. Thanks my colleague for that movie, even treat me Burger King after that and told me so much informations bout our company n departments. After chat with him made me realize how i longing to be here..to be part of the feature writer. I got my goals to attain, i got my stories to tell..i wont give up be4 i ever giv it a try.

After the movie we get our dishes outside the hall. Then it's the time i realize i surrounded by those celebrities n personalities..wow..i met the Malaysia film director James Lee, The Star's cartoonist Reggie Lee and so forth that i can't recognise them. And it's my pleasure to be recognised as NST reporter..though i just an intern..haha

Well..i reali think dat i carry on a better life. At least for the moment i feel it dat way.. i just chat with the bday guy moments ago. Thanks God that we're stil fren.. I knew God is watching over me and i did thanks for being pampered the way he does..

I love my life.. even though i need to go through lots of hardtime to be succeed.. bless me and pray for me..

Song by Edith Paif 'No, i do not regret anyhting'

Not, I Do not regret Anything
Not, Nothing Of Nothing, Not, I Regret Anything
Neither It Although there is Fait to Me, Nor Evil
Any Ca is to Me Bien Equal
Not, Nothing Of Nothing, Not, I Regret Anything
It is Paye, Balaye, Oublie, I Insane Master key
With My Memories I have Light Fire
My Shagrins, My Pleasures,
I do not need More them
Sweep the Loves With Their Tremors
Sweep For Toujours
I Repaired A Zero
Not, Nothing Of Nothing, Not, I Regret Anything
Neither It Although there is Fait to Me, Nor Evil
Any Ca is to Me Bien Equal
Not, Nothing Of Nothing, Not, I Regret Anything
Because My Life, Because Me Joys
Today Ca Starts With You

My LiFe..CoNFuSeD

It's time for blog. Since i vanished for weeks..now here i am again. Step into 3rd week d..nth special in NST recently. Everything remain the same..but i think it's time for me to make some decisions, to make some changes..this ain't the life dat i keen to hav and if i din take any move then i wil continue live like this til the end of of internship...sigh(sorry denise,i shudn't sighing)..

I'm looking forward to starting life afresh..^^no regret, no heart broken, no lies, no guy..LOL..keen to isolate myself here..i din try so hard to do so cos i used to be like dat d. I belong to me..i try to remind me once and once again. I can't rely on anyone here..i have a better mixture on where i need helps and what i can do it alone. And i wish i wouldn't troubles other lots..especially Joey n Andrew..

I think i hate month of May..it recalls all the memories..sad n sweet..yeah..both.. I remember all the phone chat and every single little things..too bad huh.. i wish he live a better life..better than me..i wish..

Recently immersed myself into complicated condition, involved into silly and kinda suffered relationship.. okay..I'm nutz.. I did countless silly mistakes dat i shudn't be make. I broke my own rules til i can't forgive myself..i'm damn guilty.. But i knew i wil stop to do so n bek to the ground that i shud stanf firm..walk bek to the path dat i choose to go through..yes i did..and i'm trying so hard right now. Trying hard to resist the temptations.. i wish i have no regret when i look bek in the days forward..

Bek to hometown during weekend. hang-out wiv Lala on Saturday night at Xantana then accidentally meet Yen, YChin n THua there..then Alan brought his Sarawakian gf meet us there. Well..jz realised dat got rumours between me n Tora amongst our frens..WOW..Bombed me..lol. I dun think dat Tora even noticed bout it..why the parties never realise yet outsider keep spread the rumours? Stupiak..and Guys, stop asking n guessing bout my relationship. I answered u all honestly dat i stil single n i'm real single k.. no attached to any guys..not even one..and i'm not craving attention from any guys. I dun need it..i think i only wil be picked up when it's the right time..^^By da way, Wei Chong real mad at me for din inform i meet y'all dat9..sigh..i tot we promised dun let him know d wat..haiz..Sorry guy..i dun hav much time dat night.

I have had a hair cut..hmm..can't stand for my damaged hair then cut it short. Just over shoulder a bit..quite sad but no regret. But not really satisfied wiv the result..i'm ugly i know but now it made me more uglier..

I stil counting the days for goin bek. My life is sucks here..yet i met great ppl here. I met new frens n get to know few strangers dat helps me.. Tot i wil hav more time to meet my chimui here yet they can't off during weekends so i only can erntertain myself here without accompanion by them..damn bored.

I tend to spent my weekend at kinokuniya bookstore.. wish i can make it real. My daily life hav got a big changes since i get intern here. I sleep be4 12 mid9 n wake up at 7..it isn't as cool as i tot.. i need at least 10 hours for my sleeping hours..lol. Awaits the day i'm goin bek to pg..