词穷

刚刚原本开始写英文稿，一不小心按错了鼠键，整篇稿不见了，没感觉，习惯了，再也不会有心疼的感觉，也许真的因为已经麻木了。想到要用华文来表达，又有点毫无头绪了……我到底是怎么了？

终于实习最后一天了，没有很大的心情起伏，或许，我真的不属于这儿，该离开的，终究还是必须离开…后悔吗？不敢说完全没，气自己没好好努力，没好好把握，我知道我可以做得更好，可是却没办法说服自己好好珍惜。

我没办法融入这样的生活，虚伪的人群，原本以为同事们都很简单，但发现某些人都是为了些利益而接近我。气自己那么容易得相信他人，气自己对他人的防备之心太弱了……人啊，干嘛把自己弄得那么复杂……让我也觉得自己很复杂，很难了解……

没了消息的那端，我知道，也明了，接下去到底该怎么做……很多时候，我希望自己能狠心的转身，再也不回头，却一次又一次的背叛自己，你的优柔寡断，总是让我一次又一次的失望……若你选择这样，我们就别再拖着对方，好吗？别再这样的蹉跎岁月……不值得……我们都不值得为对方这样的守候着，自私的人没资格谈恋爱，只会为对方带来更多伤害。祝福你，也祝福我……
两个月了，呆在这个陌生的城市，只觉得自己好坏，很堕落……用酒精麻醉自己的日子，其实并不会很好过。

我的冷漠，是因为我害怕，害怕伤害自己，害怕伤害他人，也害怕心动的开始……我的冷酷，是因为我必须伪装自己，来掩饰自己的胆怯，我的防备之心，是为了不让自己难过……不让自己有机会难过。

他们都劝我，爱自己多一些……我们从心的出发点有些许偏差，我坚持的或许错了，但我没后悔过，至少我是这么认为着……

我想家了，很想回家……

LiVing To LoVe YoU by Sarah ConnoR

All we had was just one summer
Two lovers strolling in the park
But like they say the world keeps turning
As the leaves would’ve fallen, we should fall apart

Now I’m waiting for the winter
To build my castle out of ice
And deep inside is massive building
There’s a crystal lake of all the tears I've cried.

CHORUS:
Baby for all my life
Don’t you know that it’s true?
I’m living to love you
So baby don’t think twice
If you feel what I feel
Trust your heart and do what I do
Cause I´m living to love you

I’m living to love you …

When you’re gone it’s not forever
Cause you’re remaining in my heart
So tell me why I feel this aching
Every time I think of you when we’re apart

CHORUS

I admit that from time to time
I’m feeling insecure and think I’m gonna loose my mind
Don’t let it show…no…no…no…no..nooo
I don’t think I’ll never understand
That our love should never have a happy end
So I’m really gonna try my best
To let you know
To let you know

CHORUS

When the final day comes
I know the angles
They will see my smile
And if they wanna know the reason
I will tell them why
Baby for all my life ooh yeah
I’m living to love you

What i'm saying is true, i dun like the feeling i'm havin right now. I'm feeling damn insecurity for our relationship right now. I dunno wat u shud do..i shudn't be the person to ask for more. I dun hav the right..at least now for sure. I know u afraid of it n same as me here.. i only dare to confess it after u told me ur feeling. But why sumtimes i dun feel like i understand u? I mean u make me wanna fall in love but u make me paused after dat.. Just tell me wat u reali wan. Dun let me to keep on guessing here..i'm not a mindreader..

AmbiTious

It came across my mind this morning that i left 10 more days to be here. Sounds pretty good right? Yet feel be reluctant to part from my chimui and buddies here somehow. Still, I never fall to this city after two months here. It used to be my dream for study here after form 6 when i applied for my 1st choice UM on literature. Perhaps all is fated d...and perhaps it was a right path dat brought me to who i am today, made me even more perceive bout my future plans. It was the most purposely and mentally stimulating time of my life when i get into uni. I've learned, about how i can bury it. Bcos the past claws its way out...I'm looking forward for the days i bek pg. I wish, somehow, i'll dare to be ambitious.. to transform a better life, to be somebody. Denise, we're rich in soul n love, but poor in pockets and wallet..lol

Recently went to Kinokuniya bookstore and wasted RM160++ for 3 books..Yet, no regret at all. Wish i get much money then i could purchase more. I wondered why my tears will sliding down my cheeks sumtimes when i was reading..am i a sensible or emotional person? i doubted somehow...but there were no answers forthcoming.

If pg was the city dat reminded me of who i used to be, then Kl is the next city could has become someday. I'm not a mindreader. Dun make me confuse bout myself by ur words, ur behaviors, ur everything..U turned me to be who i am today. And i felt bad after all..after those stupid mistakes dat i'd made.. I just wan to live a simple life. Is it too much i'm asking for?

Suddenly miss my bro Boy latterly, seems like never meet him for ages. I never meet him after CNY if i was not mistaken.. but there is, between us, a kinship that not even time could break.. I still can feel it, even the best we can do is keeping in touch via sms. Boy, thanks for pampered me the way that u used to do.. Strive for ur dream.. i know u can make it.

'If you judge ppl, u have no time to love them', quoted from Mother Teresa. Seems like i fond of quotations recently..^^ We always judging and bashing others when we tot we're good enuff to do so or even not. I hate self-righteous person.. but sumtimes i turn to be like dat. Shud i call it as human instinct or inherent aptitude in mankind? Most of the time we don't communicate, we just take turns talking. Perhaps that brings lots of misunderstanding.. half-hearted turns us down.. The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up. Life is a wonderful thing to talk about, or to read about in history books. But it is terrible when one has to live it..

You said dat i am an independent person and can do everything on my own. I told u dat i'm not, and i reali meant it. I never tend to be like this but the reality forced me to live like this as i can't rely on anyone around me like other gurls. I'm extremely feel insecurity for trusting a guy whole-hearted cos i can't take for the heart-broken after all. Perhaps i can't find sum1 trustworthy after u or i never tend to search for it.. It's hurt when u said u felt like i'm out of it d.. Hav faith between us ok? Sumtimes i wondered why we need to fall apart since we're still caring bout each other...There is no remedy for love but to love more.. 'You don't marry sum1 u can live with, you marry the person who u cannot live without.'

Wei Jay, nice to get ur current affairs through msn. I miss ya dear..awaiting the days u bek from aus. Dun be hesitate to take the 1st move k..though we're indeed conservative persons..lol

I need to be brave i know.. Thanks sis.. for every words u'd said to me..

PriDe@LoVe

Quite bz since last week. Finally i went out for a story..just pass it up this morning. I din reali work hard on it cos bothered wiv some problems apart from my work. Yet my assistant editor Poh Lin said my story was quite ok since i can tell wat exactly i heard n get from the interview. She said what i need is polish..dat's the only way to be a good story teller..^^ It light up my day d. I always lack of self-confident..and now i know i shud work hard on my English writing. Especially feature writing..i wish sumday my writing would touch sum1, sumwhere, somehow..i wish sumday it could make some changes towards those unfortunate person or those who in need. I wish to do it bcos it's da least i can do, and the best i can do..

'If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life u doubt, as far as possible, all things.' quoted it from sumwhere else. I doubt bout so many things in life..sumtimes it's good but sumtimes not. We might miss the chances sumhow if we doubt too much..perhaps it's not a neccessary. But it's good to keep doubting..cos it make us more clearer bout our own path, bout ourself. I lead my way..hope i'll attain my goals, my dreams, wateva i tend to pursue in life.

My dearest frens stuggle in their relationship.. Sad cos i can't help but only can be a listener by their side. Love urself first and everything else falls into line.. We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. Perhaps the hatred and pain would make us stronger..but i was doubtful who dare to take the devastating feeling all over again. Perhaps the failure could be a blessing in disguise..perhaps.. No matter wat, dun ever hurt or degenerate urself. Cos u gonna hurt those who around u n love u too..included me. The easier thing in the world to be is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other ppl wan u to be. don't let them put u in that position..

Hanging out wiv chimui Joey, Joan, Lin n our best pal Yong Pin at Murni on Friday9. Kee Woon meet us there n have a small chat.. Just realise how old we are eventually.. Recall the days of yore, it's all bout frenship..our frenship. Time flies pretty fast isn't it? sigh.. Went to Zoo Ngr on Saturday morning, we're just like dimmit as last time..lol.. Yes we are..Went to Red Box at Low Yat afterwards. If i could spent my days wiv y'all like this everyday, i dun mind to stay in this faked city..as long as y'all by my side.. Times have changed and so has us, but the basic goodness of our frenship remains..

I look back and i realised i never left u behind..u're virtually never apart from my life even we no longer sharing life together.. U're always there watching over me i know.. and so do i..

Do not let ur pride get over ur love..thanks denise^^

SomeTimes

Indeed sleepy n tired right now. Yet can't get to bed cos still need to prepare for works tmr. Quite nervous when i think bout i need to go for assign..i'm afraid dat i might miss out some points, can't understand the conversations and unexpected situation..i'm chicken..yea, Denise i'm same as u..LOL

Well, Denise..glad dat u get da opportunity to study at Chubu. Jealousy filled my heart..but not bcos u get it, jz bcos i never step up to get mine then i felt like i'm a loser. I keen to do so much thing..keen to become sum1 better..keen to become somebody. Perhaps wat i'd did is not yet enuff through the journey to pursuit my dreams. Gurl..everything wil goin fine..love ya n do remember buy me sumthing special in Japan..^^

Seeing ppl struggle in a relationship is not a good feeling. Especially it's those who close to u.. Love indeed tired ppl out. I can't say much..it's not my right to say anything to make y'all better. It's depends on both of ya to build this relationship..make sure dat's no regret, no harm, no hard feeling after all. Sumtimes i wish to run away cos i can't stand to involve into it. But fren, if ya decide wanna keep on trying n keep on hurting one another..then i'll by ur side. Dun ever hurt urself when u upset.. i'm sad cos i can't help but only can lend u my shoulders n ears.. Choose the right path..the one dat worth n deserve for ya..think bout all da consequences and aspects. Sumtimes we need to sacrifice sumthing or loss to achieve a better life in future..

Went out wiv Lala today at KLCC.. Talk lots bout my recent life and feelings after retained so much in my mind. Almost burnout i think.. Thanks fren, at least i felt release after talk to u. I learn to cope wiv my problems..perhaps i fuss too much bout my life. U made me feel safe to talk everything to u..indeed thanks for listening. It meant lots for me..a problematic person..^^

I talk lots bout sum1 recently to my frens. Not bcos i tend to..jz it's a right time for me to tell when ppl asked me.. U know why i appreciate u in my life? Cos u taught me lots n accept who i am when i was still self-willed n disobedient. I discovered my ugly behaviors n attitudes after know u. U made me realised how my words turned to hurt ppl in return. I keep pushing those who care and love me away..not bcos i wish to..jz i hate to face the hatred.. but i never realise i hurt them, and i knew i did hurt u. Sorry.. No other guy make me feel secure to talk bout everything. U're the only one..and i felt free after i confessed to u all the silly n bad things i did recently in Kl. I'm not a good person i know..and i just wan ya to know how bad i am..wat a fool i am to ruin my life like this. And then i'll move on a better life..i doesn't need anybody to complete me..

There is sumtimes i feel all alone in a crowd. There is sumtimes i feel lost surrounded by ppl. And there is sumtimes i dun understand myself..

My GrieF

Finally five weeks passed..3 weeks left in NST. Joan talk to me yesterday morning and said 'the most important thing to be a journalist is getting involved'..then said start from next week i'll follow a reporter for interview, then i'll write my story, he/she will write his/her story too. Though i'm afraid of it..but i know i need to step out eventually. Just wondering how i'm suppose to write a story to cover 1-2 page in Streets..haiz..feature writing summore..

My tears flow when i saw sis's comment in my blog.. i never tot dat she'll write sumthing for me. It reali surprise me and warmed my heart. I never wish to get quarrel wiv u since u bek by my side. I dun think i can take on such emotional and physical extremes for it all to go wrong again.. i just wanna stay the same as right now. We planned to go Bali end of this year..hope it will be real^^

I had been urged never to sacrifice happiness in the pursuit of succeed. Yet i always brought myself to grief. Perhaps i care so much, perhaps i afraid to feel the devastating feeling of loss over and over again. I'm sorry if i ever hurt those who care bout me..i'm sorry cos i never learn to love myself. I was drunk til i forgot wat i'd done last saturday night..i tend to get hang over to vent my anger, to release my stressness.. and i know i'ld be safe wiv joey, andrew and yong pin.. so i drink lots til shocked yong pin..lol. Sorry.. Once is enuff.. i hate clubbing, i only fond to drink.. Sorry guys..

Recently implicated myself into guiltiness condition. I tend to help but seems things getting worst.. Joey, sorry for hurting u..i reali wish to make things better. Cos i dunwan to see you two hurting each other since both of ya caring bout one another.. i'm hesitating for being this position. I wish ya understand it..wish it won't affect our frenship.. i can't afford to lose ya in my life.. there're many person dat i appreciate in life, and u're one in the list.. What a fool i had became to break ur heart. I gulp wiv sadness when i heard u cried through calling me from the other side.. everything happened in the blink of an eye. If i ever knew it would turned to be like dat, then i'ld never try to get involved.. i dunwan our frenship have been wrecked cos of this..i'll live wiv guiltiness the rest of my life.. indeed sorry.. Pls dun hurt urself since so many ppl care bout ya.. U're lovable.. and i love ya n never wish to lose u as part of my life..

Went out wiv my chimui Joey, Lin, Joan and our best pal Yong Pin on thursday night to One-U Sushi King n The Curve TGI Friday as the next stop. Bring bek all the memories in secondary sch..unfortunately Janet can't be wiv us here.. We had become a person in a hurry even when we had no need to hurry. Busyness is not an absolute..We dun hav much time to gather within one year..thank God we spending our days here together.. We'll go to National Zoo next week..^^ nth will tear us apart. I miss the laughters, i miss every lame jokes that we'd make, i miss every moment we spent together..

I'm blessed i know.. but i can't be more pessimistic. cos it's the only way i use to get through my life. I have learnt to handle my grief, even if it rears its ugly heal every now and then. My grief never goes away, but it has become a part of me that i have learnt to live with..

FaTe

Take a leap of faith and trust in ur dream--dats wat sum1 told me recently. Thanks buddy..^^i dare to dream but daren't to tell others. Cos i dun believe in myself, i dun think dat i'm gonna make it..the possibility is too tiny so i only told those who close to me. Perhaps wat shud i do is dwelling in possibilities..i ought to do so..

Read Charmaine recent blog but dunno wat to say. I understand ur feeling gurl..but wat u expect to heard from others? Dear, hard times are a natural part of life..destiny can't help u until u're willing to step out of ur comfort zone. Get prepared to makes changes in ur life and start making them. I know u did..but the setbacks dat u think u're encountered actually is those dat u never expected..dats y u feel depress.. Ain't we gain sumthing from it right now? We learn to be stronger, learn to be contented in the real world, learn to understand ourselves.. Never judge sumthing or sum1 in ur own perception and never bashing anybody if u'r not good enuff to do so. God never create 2 person alike..and dats make us so special to each others..:) I wish u understand what i keen to tell u here..add oil for our internship k..

Sumtimes i felt my job like a grind. But wat i never try is comforting myself into it..i tend to soar..but i din reali work hard for it. I lost my pride to set my goals.. It's never to late to learn, but i'm wasting my times here. My current woes lead me to grief..to bad huh.. Yet i know i'll be ok. Nth wil turn us down unless we tend to fall.. and i never wish to degenerate myself..

Went to One-U Chili's wiv Joey yesterday..talk alot and drink a little..^^ We believe in frens 4eva..yeah, i think my chimui does..even we can't be together all the time, even we might miss out some gossips most of the time, even we din reali mention our feeling to each other sumtimes..but we understand each other indeed. Seriously they taught me lots values in life, taught me to appreciate those beside me, taught me not to hate cos hatred will eat our life..i'm damn lucky for havin them in my life and those memories dat we built together..Cheer for our frenship~

Met wiv Denise dat day and havin dinner together..Dear i damn miss ya k.. but y seems speechless when i keen to talk a lot..sigh.. Anyway, i found sumthing for ur bday present d..hope u'll like it. Pls pretend u like it even u'r not..lol. We still on for langkawi trip even Loony wont go k..dats a promise! I wanna get myself drunk..hehe

Dear Papa, i apologise to u this day knowing full well my apology does nth to assuage ur grief.. I wil talk to u when i ready for it. Pls wait for me while i'm trying to forgive myself..Happy Father's Day...

Fate affords some lovers only one opportunity to meet, others it allows endless opportunities..i always believe in fate. So buddies..dun easily giv up in a relationship k..not when both of ya still caring bout each other..