给你

我又再次的向宛盈借了伊能静的《生死遗言》，又再次的翻阅了每一行、每一字。怎么会有这么细腻的文字、这么深切的爱……

她用文字细说着他对他的爱恋，她的思索，也让我想到了我和你。

我以为你再也不会出现在我的文章里，殊不知，我还是毫无预料、毫无准备的为你写下许许多多的思念，许许多多的过去……

原来，我很嫉妒你，嫉妒你有我这么的喜欢着你，有我这么的关心着你的一切。

我总是告诉自己别再牵挂，别再依恋着你对我那些未来的承诺，然后试着从朋友那儿得到力量，不值得再为你等待，说服自己这样的抉择是正确的，我没错过你，你也没错过我，我们只不过是彼此生命中的过客，不牵绊，不留恋，从此各分东西。

他们说，相遇，是为了要相守。有多少人真正懂得其中道理，又会有多少人愿意毫无计较的付出，风风雨雨，相守相惜……

我忘了那些没有你的日子，让自己停留在和你初相识的那一年，让自己漂流在渐渐了解你，深深恋着你的回忆里。那么靠近，也那么遥远。

你总是让我，在对你失望、对你不屑的时候，震撼的我的心灵，字字句句，都那么的让我自觉卑微，是你对我的情感超乎我对你的关怀，抑或我真的不懂你付出的方式？

我们是那么不同，截然不同。生活的方式，说话的方式，表达爱的方式，所有的所有，你是你，我是我。

你的生活圈、夜生活、纹身、穿耳洞、香烟、酒精，我从没参与过，我从不曾试着讨好你，你也从不让我沾上任何痕迹，我知道，这是你保护我的方式，你不说的，我都明白。

我告诉你我很没有安全感，但我质疑的，不是你对我的情感，你说我不够爱你，没有你爱我的多。我忘了告诉你，从头到尾，我对你的信任，一样没改变，我缺乏的安全感，是我对感情的控诉，我害怕失去，所以总是在逃避，逃避你，逃避身边每一个人，唯有友情，让我相信可以细水长流。所以就算你当天如何的怪罪我都好，我还是在电脑荧幕的这端，留着泪，要求你当我一辈子的朋友，就只是朋友。

我以为我真的很坚强，尝试着寻找另一个依靠，心情低落时，浮现在脑海的，却依然还是你……
我终于知道你说的《倾城之恋》，原来是张爱玲其中一本名作，你怎么会看张爱玲的文字，我搞不懂你，真的很不像粗线条的你。你总是有很多旁人忽略的优点，就像我初次看到你的文字，才发现你字体的优美，就像我渐渐了解你的那段日子，才发现你的心思细腻。但我说的也是真的，我不想像故事里的男女主角，我不要那样的结局，虽然是圆满的结局，但我经不起那样的折磨，分离的折磨。

我不善于表达，不善于说话，也不喜欢认真说话，很多时候，我思考着我和你之间，但却无法找人分享，是因为他们都说我们在彼此浪费时间，是因为他们都劝我放弃等待，是因为他们都说你很自私，也是因为他们都不了解你，也不了解我对你的牵挂，我们之间，为何总是纠缠不清，我们俩，何时才能放下？

我总是害怕错过，一直担心自己辜负了你，一直害怕自己伤害了你，可是也一直伤害自己，伤害身边的那些人，不敢给于承诺，担心承诺的背后，是无止尽的泪流。你说过的话，我都记得，我说过的话，我懂你也从没忘记，所以我总是害怕遇到另一个会记得所有我说过的话的人，因为我无法承受背叛你的感动，结果我还是选择伤害别人，只为了让自己好过些，也警惕着自己我不值得拥有更多。你总是很轻易的就让我掉泪，一直都是。

我写了好多好多，才怀疑自己有没有勇气，让这篇文字出现在我的部落格，记得妍雪问过我，为什么总是能把心情写在部落格里，不担心被人看穿、被人了解吗？我告诉她说，写了，我的心情会舒服些，很多时候，唯有文字是最真实的告白……

很多时候，透过文字，我才能了解自己，我才能更看清自己，自己所犯下的错误，我的内疚，我的恐惧，我的哀怨……还有那些我想珍惜的一切人与物，那些我不想错过的事物，我留恋的回忆，我成长的记忆——是悲欢离合、是难分难舍、是相知相惜、是所有的所有，我的所有。

The Hundredth Post of MiNe

So boring..i'm in BK lab right now. Ejane beside me mumbling for her umbrella being stolen.Yee Guan said we all havin a mentally burn-out which mean we all goin loco after we immmerse into BK..she said we're degenerating ourselves this sem since we started our BK press..now Nisah is talking nonsense behind me n trying to molest me..sigh..BK lab is sucks...everything in this sem is suck!!!

Life is miserable but dunno why i tend to raise my smile today..:) I think i'd make a decision when i wake up this morning and everything seem getting well and i love how it flow right now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Continue this post after i bek from my class after 3pm. Thought i will stucked myself in Bk Lab til the class at 2pm..chat wit Jack in msn and he offered to fetch me home. Felt thankful cos he's willing to gip me a ride n fetch me bek again to lab after dat. Thanks ya^^

I jz realised it is the hundredth post of mine in frenster blog. And today i did smile a lot in campus..perhaps everything turned to be more clearer after i talk to a fren yesterday, after i considered bout the conversation wit sis dat day..after i asked myself once n once again wat i can do to my present life.

I really love how my life turn to be right now. Cos i think i learned a lot in this sem though the bz life driving me crazy n made me become impatient when communicate wit others. Sorry for those around me.. My buddies, my housemates, my coursemate and even Meilin n Jenny are suffering for my bad n irresponsible attitude and actions..Sorry guys..i always gav myself the excuses of being tension n depressed cos of assignments. Sis was right when she said she can't accept my excuses as i'm not the only person being tension here..so did she as far as i concerned.

I shudn't keep this kinda moody life throughout this sem n let others down..Sorry guys..once again. And dear Denise..love ya still..i know u would understand my feeling right? Sorry for dat day..i jz can't take the feeling for losing once n once again.. Do take care urself when u're being oneself in Japan.. Be stronger n dun waste ur tears til the day i meet u k..Loony, finally i hav the courage to talk to u this morning. I do miss the days we used to hang out together..yet my current life reali driving me crazy.. sorry for everything ya..i love u guy forever n ever..heheh

I'll bek home on this Thursday. Almost 2 months i never bek hometown d. Miss my mom n babe so much.. And temd to meet wanyin be4 she bek to Taiwan. Promised wit her n lala dat we're goin to watch firework and sing-K together on National Day. Suddenly recall the days when i used to hang-out wit my old classmate during every celebration n watched firework together..^^
Stil got 1 more article for Beyond Borders, 2 more articles and 1 more feature writing for BK4. Then 2 more photography assignments for Dr Adnan in the coming two weeks. Thank God that Dr Adnan postponed the deadline for the assignments. I knew i am dwelling a blissful life actually..just i always tend to be in a dejected mood.. Be cheerful..dats wat somebody told me last9. Thanks for those around me n ready to accept who i am no matter how i became n how i'm goin change to be in the comin days..indeed appreciate everything u guys have did for me n ready to by my side eventhough i no longer hav time for u guys nowadays..:)

Dearest sis, i und u care bout me..i und u dunwan me to get any part time job cos u wan me to focus on my study. But sis u hav to und me as i do need some extra expenses for my current life. I need lotsa to cover in magazines, books, outdoor activities for photography session n so on.. Perhaps u would think it's a waste but i really enjoy my life right now though i'm getting bz. I din watch any movie in this sem and i dun even get chance to shop in my current life. Although u might be mad at me for spending so much but trust me i know wat i'm doin right now and wat i'm goin to do.. Sorry for troubled u n made u worry bout me.. I'm just finding my path dat gonna drive me to my dreams. Sorry again for any inconvenience and troubles i've caused for u..

I need not everybody to agree wit me on every actions n moves i've make. I just need those i trusted n cared for to by my side even they knew that i might be falling down n hav my heart broken after all..

So Long for..

Need to send 2 articles for my editor tmr. Haven start any yet..Out of time recently. Summore got an event need to cover tmr morning at Georgetown..then got work at Prai after dat. Everything seem in a mess for me..wat a messy life..
Skipped many classes in this sem. Especially Tuan Haji's lecture..i dunno why others seem well in their time management yet i struggle wit it still. I can't live wit tension..it drive me crazy indeed. I'm reali tired of being tired..countless assignment awaits me in the comin days. I was doubtful dat i put too much pressure on myself..yet no answer forthcoming..i stil have to cope wit it..sigh..
Called mom jz now..felt warmed after talk to her. Mom asked me not to eat after 8pm as she knew dat i gained lotsa weight cos of the stressful life..lol..She shud noticed dat no1 gonna keep me away from food unless i tend to do so..haha..think i gonna continue like this til the day i found another solution to make me feel better n more relax..Mom asked me when i gonna graduate..felt weird. Is dat bcos i never bek home for so long then she started to miss me and the days i used to by her side? But she never knew dat it's gonna be a new beginning for me to start my new life and leaving here after i graduate..perhaps i'll stay..but seems nth worth for me to stay here..nth n nobody..
The outdoor photography session changed date d..sigh. Now i can't join my classmate and those dearest foreigners cos i need to work during that weekend..sigh...another long sigh for my present life. So i can bek home during the weekend of National day..stil can get to meet Wanyin be4 she bek to Taiwan..:)
Jz mentioned bout my mom advice for not havin meal after 8pm yet i'm eating MiMi right now in the mid9..lol..feel sorry for my Levi's collection. Dunno when i can get myself fit in again..
So long for holiday..so long for Alor Star..so long for the kisses from my babe niece..

AbanDoneD

I started to wonder..am i left out so much in ur life? Why i seemed an outsider in the conversation made with ya all? I can't comprehend that kinda feeling..i felt uneasy, i felt everything changed to be something i never wish to be..

We used to share everything..now i no longer included in the shared list as i seldom havin time wit y'all..is dat wat frenship all about?

I was pissing off..indeed. Keep blaming myself for all the words i'd been yelling to u...how dare i do this to u..why i wanna lead myself to grief?

I can't take the feeling for losing someone i care for..i can't take the feeling for no more sharing between us..i need not other to tell me how mean i was..and i need not other to tell me how important u are to me..

I can't catch up anymore..everything i wanna being close wit u all even i still sinking into my assignments, gulping wit my tears, my tension, my depression..i'm out of everything. And perhaps i'm starting to slip away of ur life..

I might not hav time to hang out as last time, i might not be able to share everything dat encounter in my life, but i do care for everything between us.. I never abandon ya all in my life..and i dunwan be the person being abandoned as well..

怀念

喜欢这个广告，因为觉得它拍得很唯美……

喜欢那个傍晚，因为是多年来，首次和她那么的一起汗流浃背……

想念那个傍晚，我们三个人的相聚……
很多时候，我希望能回到从前，但就算回到了，我也没办法改变些什么，也不想改变些什么……
我总是提醒自己，必须珍惜每一份、每一秒，珍惜当下，当下的心情、当下的人、当下的坚持，所有的所有……回忆总是很美，错过了，再也没办法回头……
想要离开这个地方，不懂是自己给自己的要求太多，压力也跟着愈来愈大，抑或我让自己沉沦在悲痛的漩涡里，体重也跟着愈飙愈高……
我的生活还是有欢笑，还是会看电影、看书时掉眼泪，可是为何总觉得少了些什么……
承诺对我显然很重要，有个人曾经答应过我，不管未来发生什么事，都不会离开我；而现在的他，并不在我身边，却希望我为他默默守候……而我，坚持了多年后，终于选择了放弃……
我很勇敢的踏出了一步，把希望寄托在另一个人身上，结果又萎缩的退了回来，然后把自己藏起来，深怕一不小心，就会受伤……
我的懦弱，他了解吗……
好久没写华文，都不懂该怎么诠释我的心情……

My StoRy@LiFe

Very boring..did nth. Tend to do my articles but start the intro then found no word to continue type. Woke up at 12 sumthing afternoon then get a nap bout 4pm and woke up again at 8pm..tot wanna go MPH at 1st..yet my laziness lead me not to do so..:p

My mom's hp spoilt d..can't call her at all..gonna wait til she get a new 1 then only i'll be able to talk to her. No time to bek hometown cos got lotsa assignments need to pass up after convo week. Got an event need to cover on 24th so can't bek to meet wanyin n lala..sigh..think i fuss so much bout my life.. Yet quite happy when i got A for my news writing assignment..:) However i'll be more happier if Tuan Haji would tell me how i gonna improve my writing skill rather than giv me an A and say nth after all..

A fren of mine struggling of problems between housemates.. Felt glad that i could by her side when she was in need..Wish she'll be okay..Wish dat i may hav much time for her in the comin days..

Received sms from my guardian angel in the mid9 while i was doin my japanese revision couple days ago.. Seems like i reali ready to get myself out of the situation this time. No more tears when i read ur msg, no more grief gulping wit this time.. Perhaps i'm getting tired of our previous rship. Love shudn't be like dat..i reali get tired of waiting anymore. From time to time, we've promise each other never ever look bek yet we always broke it in the end. I meant it this time. I'm trying so hard to set myself free since the day we fall apart. And now i realised dat i oredy get used to the days without u..without ur calls, ur msgs, ur hugs, ur everything. Even no more exhilaration when u said u love me..Time did change something right? It changed my feelings towards u..lotsa memories dat i never wish to let go. Dun ever call me dear, darling or sweetheart.. It seems too heavy for me to continue loving u..

Apparently, i get bek the ordinary life i used to hav be4..just that i seldom take a long walk in campus anymore. Afraid that i might miss out so much memorable things in my final year..I was given the freedom to choose the life dat i gonna live with, and now i need to make sure dat i'm not gonna mar my happiness once again..

Sis said babe learn to walk everyday at home nowadays..miss her so much.. Miss her tender kisses n warmest hugs..miss her smile, the way she called me, the way she acted like a spoiled child around me, the way she try to call my attention on her. I started to wonder bout the day when she grew up.. Would i be the person dat might crossed her mind when she feel like wanna share her happiness or sadness in life?

I just tend to crap to9..lotsa feeling dat retained in my mind.. My housemates asked me to write in Chinese next time cos they lazy to read it in English..lol.. Thanks for hav a browse here.. It's my stories and my life..^^

GuiDanCe

Finally finished the 2nd issue of BK and now move on to the 3rd issue. The 2nd haven get publish yet already got stories needed to be cover for the next issue. Summore it's the season for convo next week. I get a part time job during the convo cos most of our classes cancelled d..yet i still need to be on assignments throughout the convo week..think i'll be damn bz in the following weeks..

Thank God dat every assignments postponed to the week after the convo. I stil hav time searching references of my short essay for my Visual Communication and Journalism paper..then gonna start our photos hunting with the Nikon D70 in pg island for the next assignment..seems very professional..lol. The next assign for us is the 3 days 2 night outdoor photography session from 31st Aug til 2nd Sept..but Dr Adnan haven decide the location yet. There's bout 20 foreign students took this paper wit us together..^^ Think we'll be indulging ourselves on the beach wit those bikini hotchicks and sexy guys..:p

Recently used to stay late in the BK lab helping for layout designing. But seemed dat i was the person dat used to bek be4 12mid9 whilst my frens stay until 3 or 4 morning or stay over9 there.. Sorry ya frens..i can't stand to stay there til the next morning..i miss my pillow n blanket..hehe. Unfortunately i realised i must get it through one day when i'm gonna on the board in the 5th issue BK..So just let me pampered myself in this way right now..

Planned to bek home tmr.. I'm longing to bek my hometown since last week. I used to escape when i suffered from tension or depressed.. I need to get out from the current situation then only i can make myself clear. Otherwise i might continue immerse myself into it..Thus lost myself in the end. The reality defeats us in many aspect, yet it did make us stronger sumhow..only if we're willing to step forward after being fall over. Seems like i'm mumbling here..lol

Sensei asked us to take for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test in Dec.. Still bothering bout it. Dunno wanna sit for level 4 and 3 or just level 4 only..summore i keen to register for German Language Proficiency Test since last year..afraid dat i hav no time for revision. Why all those exam settled on end of the year..suffer me..

Sleeping Champion, owe me dinner at Chili's..hehe.. remember bring ur international student card then only i wil treat u for 2 movie..Other than that i'll reduce it to 1 movie..:p Remember to bring my souvenir when ya bek..

Found 2 quotation from a lecturer's notice board in management sch when i went to interview him last week.."If something is ur passion, listen to ur heart. If it's what u love more than anything else, don't stop doin it for anybody." The other one is sound like.."Pain is temporary. It may last a minute or an hour, or a day, or a year, lifelong. But eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If i quit, however, it lasts forever."

As we go through life, we learn that if we dun paddle our own canoe we don't move.. Let ur values guide u. We appreciate, as we never could have be4, how lucky we are to have in this very moment..

My WaY

The 1st post of mine in August. Been very bz since i started my articles hunting for BK. Well, did learn lots indeed.. Learnt how to works wit my coursemates and how to use the Nikon D70 DSLR camera..yet i stil got lots need to be learnt. No time to do my Japanese revision, think i'm gonna disappointed my sensei this sem..luciky i din take French language, if not i dunno how to manage my time eventhough i only took 17 unit for this sem. Think the BK oredy occupying most of my time..even no time for me to bek hometown n get any part time job. But i do enjoying it in this way...at least no time for nonsense thinking.

It's my sis bday on 4th Aug, called her and sang the bday song that she used to sing for me last time..lol. Happy Birthday ya sis..^^ Wish ya all da best in life n do strive for ur dreams. Whenever u feel depressed n encounter any hardtime in life, just turn around and i'll be there..^^ dat's a lifelong vow dat i made for u..Thanks for und me eventhough i din tell ya much bout my recent life. Dun worry bout me sis, u do know that u need not worry bout me cos i can switch it bek as usual right? Ask Boy to bek wit ya next time k..i never meet him for ages and miss him so much. Maybe we can hav our shopping trip together at KL when ya bek then he can be our slave..hehe. Think he is adequate in this position..lol.

So long for movie date..yet find no movie dat attract me recently. Looking forward to Perfect Stranger starred by Bruce Willis and Halle Berry..hope dat i would hav time for it. Been isolated myself for so long since i bek from KL, most times i felt sorry to reject my buddies for the offered movie dates, dinners, yam cha and so forth.. I just keen to be alone cos i can feel the emptiness inside my heart even i've been surrounded by ppl. Can't make up my mind to concentrate and can't finish my books until now..keep remind myself dat i stil got an assignment dat needed to pass up on Friday. However found dat no more sources for the reference books when i went to library last week..sigh..

There is sumone dat i never expected had browsing my Blog here.. Thanks ya..I'm sorry if i did troubled u lots. I never blame u for everything dat happened between us and i never untrusting u for every word u'd been said. Just i was perturbed sumtimes..i cannot comprehend wat u reali wan between us and i felt stupid for hoping too much.. We'll be alright eventually..i told u dat u reali a great buddy for me and i reali meant it. I can't foresee our future so lets 4get bout our past.. Yet i wonder would u stil be my buddy after everything dat happened between us.. U told me be4 u gonna be fren wit me no matter wat happen right? I hope u never 4get bout it.. and i'll take all the trifles to heart even though it doesn't matter anymore.

Two more months then i'll finished this sem and move on another part of my life.. Would it remain the same or there's gonna be any changes in the comin days? I wondered sumhow.. Listening to those old songs dat i fond of, then found myself paused in the past.. Havin to carry it throughout my life, reminded myself not to do those mistakes again. It was the pain, humiliation and agony that taught me to mend my way..